The guilt of miscarriage

It is estimated that 1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage.  For many, having a miscarriage is a devastating loss that leads to a roller coaster of emotions. One common emotion many women hesitate to talk about is guilt. When you have a miscarriage there is a large amount of guilt associated with it because you feel like you did something wrong.  

Different types of guilt with a miscarriage:

1. The Guilt of It was my job. You may feel that that having a baby is part of your role as a woman and a wife. You might feel guilty that this is your job and since this is your job and you did not give birth to a healthy baby you have failed your job. You might have been taught that pregnancy and motherhood come naturally (and easily might I add) so when you are not able to maintain a healthy pregnancy there are strong feelings of guilt.

2. The Guilt of I did something wrong. If you believe #1, that it was your job to get pregnant and have a baby, than this is usually where the second layer of guilt sets in. If you could not do "your job" than you must have done something wrong. Did I drink too much caffeine? Was I exercising too much or not enough? Was it that glass of wine I had before I knew I was pregnant? You probably have come up with a dozen things that might have caused your miscarriage and concluded that is was your fault. 

3. The Guilt of what if I can't get pregnant again. If it was your job and you did something wrong than you might be feeling it is quite possible that you cannot get pregnant again. You may fear that you have already lost a baby and now you feel the guilt of what if I already lost one baby and I will never be able to have another. You might feel that this was your only chance and you did something wrong to cause this. You might feel that this is punishment for something else that happened in your life.

Guilt is an intense emotion and a very real part of the healing process of losing a baby in early pregnancy. There is help working to challenge these negative thoughts and normalize these feelings. If you have experienced early pregnancy loss it is not your fault, and  you are not alone. To learn more about guilt and other common feelings after a miscarriage or more information about the free monthly miscarriage support group please contact Julie at 608.239.4807 or julie@kullcounselingmadison.com

How to reconnect with your partner after pregnancy loss

Pregnancy loss can have a profound effect on your relationship. For some, it can be a life altering event bringing you closer, and for others, it can lead to the end of your relationship.

When you lose a baby it can be difficult to cope. There is no handbook that gives you instructions on how to grieve. You may feel like you and your partner created this baby together, so grieving should be a joint process.  However, for many couples this is not the case. People grieve differently; how you process grief, when you process grief, and when you get to the acceptance stage of grief. You most likely felt different the minute you realized you were pregnant, connecting with your baby early on in your pregnancy. Research shows that for many first time fathers, a man does not consider a pregnancy a baby and himself a father until he holds that baby in his arms. www.webmd.com

You may feel emotionally disconnected from your partner when you are processing pregnancy loss, and you may also feel physically disconnected from your partner. It is common that you may also feel physically disconnected from your own body. You may find it difficult to be physically comforted by your partner or may have difficulty being intimate. This is common after you experience pregnancy loss. 

Reconnecting with your partner can be difficult, but it is not impossible. Here are a few things that can help you reconnect with your partner after pregnancy loss.

1. Reconnect with yourself - Before you will be able to reconnect physically with your partner, you need to reconnect with yourself. This can be done using mind-body techniques to reconnect you to your body. Two mind-body techniques that I use in my work include progressive muscle relaxation and the body scan. These exercises are both helpful to identify where in the body we hold pain, grief and stress from the trauma of a pregnancy loss and where we are disconnected. 

2. Communicate - This may not sound difficult in theory, but in practice can be difficult. Discuss your feelings about the loss with your partner and accept that they might not understand and that they may feel different about the loss of your baby. Tell your partner if it is difficult to connect physically. Explore feelings about being intimate and what that means for each of you. You may feel like being intimate again will lead to a subsequent pregnancy that you are not ready for. Your partner may just be trying to comfort  you and connect physically. Identify triggers that lead to feeling disconnected. Continue to check in about how you are both feeling.

3. Honor your loss - Find a way that feels comfortable to grieve your loss. Create a ritual that you can do with your partner to honor your loss together. It is important to find at least one way that you can honor your baby and sharing this with your partner is a great way to reconnect.

 4. Seek help - If the above ideas do not work and you are still finding it hard to reconnect there is help. Psychotherapy can help you reconnect to your partner after a loss. Remember to be kind to yourself. Pregnancy loss is a complicated loss and there is no one way to navigate it. 

For more resources on reconnecting with your partner please contact Kull Counseling, LLC at 608.239.4807 or julie@kullcounselingmadison.com.