The guilt of miscarriage

It is estimated that 1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage.  For many, having a miscarriage is a devastating loss that leads to a roller coaster of emotions. One common emotion many women hesitate to talk about is guilt. When you have a miscarriage there is a large amount of guilt associated with it because you feel like you did something wrong.  

Different types of guilt with a miscarriage:

1. The Guilt of It was my job. You may feel that that having a baby is part of your role as a woman and a wife. You might feel guilty that this is your job and since this is your job and you did not give birth to a healthy baby you have failed your job. You might have been taught that pregnancy and motherhood come naturally (and easily might I add) so when you are not able to maintain a healthy pregnancy there are strong feelings of guilt.

2. The Guilt of I did something wrong. If you believe #1, that it was your job to get pregnant and have a baby, than this is usually where the second layer of guilt sets in. If you could not do "your job" than you must have done something wrong. Did I drink too much caffeine? Was I exercising too much or not enough? Was it that glass of wine I had before I knew I was pregnant? You probably have come up with a dozen things that might have caused your miscarriage and concluded that is was your fault. 

3. The Guilt of what if I can't get pregnant again. If it was your job and you did something wrong than you might be feeling it is quite possible that you cannot get pregnant again. You may fear that you have already lost a baby and now you feel the guilt of what if I already lost one baby and I will never be able to have another. You might feel that this was your only chance and you did something wrong to cause this. You might feel that this is punishment for something else that happened in your life.

Guilt is an intense emotion and a very real part of the healing process of losing a baby in early pregnancy. There is help working to challenge these negative thoughts and normalize these feelings. If you have experienced early pregnancy loss it is not your fault, and  you are not alone. To learn more about guilt and other common feelings after a miscarriage or more information about the free monthly miscarriage support group please contact Julie at 608.239.4807 or julie@kullcounselingmadison.com

Surviving the holidays after early pregnancy loss/miscarriage

In 1963, Andy Williams sang, "It's the most wonderful time of the year."

If you have experienced an early pregnancy loss you may feel differently. The holidays can be a difficult time of the year for many, but can be especially difficult if you have experienced a  miscarriage.

You may be dreading parties because people do know and are uncomfortable about what to say or  people do not know and are asking when you are planning on starting or growing your family. Or maybe you are dreading opening holiday cards of pictures of friends and family with their children or you may be dreading sending out your own without your child. 

You might be celebrating the anniversary of your loss, a due date or your child's first holiday. Perhaps you were waiting for Christmas to announce your upcoming birth. You might have already made plans for what this holiday would look like with a new baby.  It is easy to feel triggered around the holidays when much of it is centered around family and children.

Wherever you are in your journey, and whatever stage you are at in your grief, here are a few ideas to help through the holiday season.

Update 2021: This is an article that I wrote a few years ago but I have found is still helpful for navigating the holidays today. That being said for most of you, the holidays will look much different this year in the midst of Covid-19. I think more than ever this year support is especially needed. Whether it is virtual, or socially distanced I encourage you to find your support people. If you are not getting the support you need, it is important to ask for it. You may find going through a pregnancy loss can be isolating.

Tips for getting through the holiday season after an early pregnancy loss:

1. Get extra support - You need additional support during this time. Whether this is doubling up on support groups,  additional therapy sessions or just making plans with those that support you and your loss. If you are  religious, this may include attending services or seeking support through other church members. 

Support groups for miscarriage in the Madison, WI area:

https://www.kullcounselingmadison.com/miscarriage-support-group/

http://www.bereavedparentsofmadison.com

2. Say No - You do not have to do everything. It is okay to say no, whether this is to a party, a family gathering or sending out holiday cards. You especially do not need to do anything that triggers you or that is not a good space for you right now.

3. Practice kindness - During the holidays you tend to practice gratitude and kindness towards each other. Practice kindness and gratitude towards yourself. You may feel like you should be over your grief by now or that you were doing so well and that you took a step backwards-be patient with yourself. Do extra self care during this season: cooking, going for a walk, yoga, practicing mindfulness, reading a book, talking to a friend, or going on a date with your partner are just a few ideas.

4. Honor your baby - you may find it comforting to start a tradition to remember your baby during the holidays. This may look like buying an ornament that honors them or lighting a candle on your holiday to honor their presence. It could be volunteering or buying a gift for someone in need. Whatever this may look like for you, if you want your baby to be part of your holidays you can do it and let the important people in your life know what you need to honor your baby so they can support you.

Please remember if you are grieving a miscarriage you are not alone. If you need help during the holidays, Kull Counseling can help. Please contact  608.239.4807 or julie@kullcounselingmadison.com for more information.

How to support someone suffering from anxiety

Anxiety is our body's natural response to a perceived threat. We all experience anxiety now and again when dealing with the stressors of life. However, many people experience such severe anxiety that it interferes with daily life and makes it extremely difficult to perform at work, maintain relationships; or start/finish tasks.   

The following highlights some common signs of anxiety and some questions to ask yourself to determine if your friend, family or loved one may be exhibiting those signs.

Common signs and questions to ask yourself to determine if a loved one has anxiety

1. Worry - Do they worry a lot? Do they worry about things they have little control over? Are they uncomfortable in situations that they cannot control?

2. Irritability - Do they feel keyed up, sometimes on edge?

3. Stress - Do they have a hard time feeling calm or an inability to relax?

4. Rumination - Do they have a hard time letting go of things- ruminating on something that was said or done a while after the incident occurred.

5. Negative thinking - Does this person have a lot of negative self talk or view of the world?

If these symptoms sound familiar, your loved one might be suffering from anxiety. The good news is you can help! Below are several Important tips to being a helpful and supportive ally, including several things to avoid when trying to support someone with anxiety:

1. Be a support person. Let this person talk to you about their feelings and emotions. Try not to judge what they are saying. 

2. Learn about about anxiety. The more you know the more you can be supportive. If you find anxiety frustrating, imagine how this person might feel. Think about a time when you felt anxious and how that felt. Imagine feeling that way every day or for prolonged periods of time.

3. Encourage the positives. Suggest positive coping skills such as: regular exercise, meditation, mindfulness, balanced nutrition, avoidance of caffeine and alcohol. Reinforce rational thinking and  help them try to avoid thoughts that are irrational.

Are you worried you may say the wrong thing? To help guide your conversation below are some hurtful phrases along with some more encouraging ones.

Hurtful-

"You should try to relax." "Don't worry about it." "Please try to calm down."

Helpful-

"How can I help?" "I am here to talk if you need someone." "I noticed that you did x even though you were really worried about it, I am proud of you."

Lastly, don’t be afraid to reach out because you won’t say the ‘right” thing. By talking to someone who is struggling with anxiety, you are already taking an important first step in making them feel heard, supported, and understood.

If someone you love is suffering from anxiety and needs help please contact Kull Counseling, LLC at 608.239.4807 or julie@kullcounselingmadison.com.