Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month: Your guide to resources from a therapist in Madison

“A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. There is no word for a parent who loses a child. That’s how awful the loss is.”

— Ronald Reagan

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Here are some local events around Madison, WI to honor the babies gone too soon. At the end of the list are some options for ongoing virtual support on a national level.

October 6th- Fundraiser at Octopi Brewing Company for the Hope and Loss Clinic

October 7th- Forever in our Hearts Remembrance Day Walk and Ceremony

October 8th- Morning Coffee with the Alana Rose Foundation

October 11th 12-1 p.m. Free Miscarriage virtual Support group hosted by Julie from Kull Counseling (therapist Madison)

October 12th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day - Advocate Aurora Oshkosh 2023 5-7 p.m.

October 15th Wave of Light at 7 p.m.

October 19th 6:30-8:30 p.m. The Bereaved Parents of Madison Hosts and in person support group

Other virtual options for support include Postpartum International and Return to Zero.

For more information about local support for Pregnancy or Infant Loss in Wisconsin. Email Julie C Kull, LCSW.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness 2022

“I carry your heart with me, I am never without it.” - E.E. Cummings

October is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month. October 15th is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness day. So many emotions come up this time of year. Some of you may be apprehensive every year as fall approaches- you may notice feeling more irritable and having less capacity for other things. For some of you this may be a time of peace-peace in remembering your loved one and reconnection. For others this may bring up fear or anxiety. For others this may be a time of deep sadness and grief. However you are feeling about this month or day is okay. For those of you looking for a way to engage with others that have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss here are some options.

October

1st: Harley’s Hustle in person or virtual. Monroe, WI

2nd: Sunday, October 2nd, Forever in our Hearts Remembrance Day. Madison, WI

6th: Free virtual miscarriage support group October 6th. Madison, WI hosted by Julie Kull, LCSW (therapist Madison).

15th: 7 p.m. your local time on October 15th, Wave of light. Light a candle at 7 p.m. to honor your baby. Nationally

20th: October 20th, 7:30 p.m. Bereaved Parents of Madison virtual support group. Madison, WI

To learn more about the miscarriage support group click here.

How therapy can help after a miscarriage

It is estimated that 1 in 4 women will have a miscarriage. You may be feeling like if it is so common that you “should” be able to deal with it on your own or that it will not impact you or maybe even that it isn’t a big deal. For most people it is a big deal and it can be pretty hard to cope with.

Statistics suggest that 30-50% of women experience anxiety and 10-15 percent experience depression up to 4 months following a loss according to FIGO.

NIHR discusses a study that found 1 in 3 women show signs of PTSD after a miscarriage.

So why is this important? We know that the mental health of the mother can greatly impact the child even in pregnancy. Their are many studies that discuss the impact of the mental well being of the mom in pregnancy and the long term impact it may have on the child’s physical, emotional and cognitive development. Many women will become pregnant again soon after a miscarriage but long before anxiety and/or depression symptoms have subsided. While it is common to think getting pregnant again after a loss will decrease anxiety it often does not. Seeking therapy after a miscarriage can impact your ability to cope and decrease anxiety/depression in subsequent pregnancy.

How can therapy help?

Normalize- Many of the feelings you may be feeling are common for those that have had a miscarriage. Knowing that your feelings are okay and that there are ways to cope. Knowing that it is hard to have a miscarriage, that women do seek therapy and sometimes medication after a loss and that most people do not just “get over it”, even if it is common.

Validate- I am just going to say it- people are sooo uncomfortable with grief. You may be finding it really hard to express your feelings with family and friends. This can be even harder with a pregnancy loss that it can be when losing a friend or a grandparent. Often the people in your life may have not had an attachment or even known about the pregnancy before. It can be hard for people to relate to what we call an ambiguous loss. It can be really healing to have your feelings acknowledged and validated.

Help you to identify healthy ways to cope with grief- Unfortunately trying again or gods willing it or at least you know you can get pregnant are not the kind of healthy ways you need to deal with grief. But, acknowledging your feelings, finding support, creating a container for your grief, nurturing yourself, honoring your loss, making meaning and acceptance can be.

Set boundaries and ask for what you need in relationship- If you are in a relationship you probably are already starting to realize that you are your partner are grieving this differently. This also applies to family members that may need a gentle reminder on what you need to feel supported or the acknowledgement that this person in your life might not have the ability to support you through this for whatever reason and ouch can that really hurt.

Understand the grief and trauma around pregnancy loss- Understanding a framework for grief and what you have or might experience can help. Looking at your loss and understanding the trauma that can be experienced can also be really helpful in understanding how it has impacted you and what makes it difficult to process. Working with those triggers, increasing your window of tolerance and helping you to feel more regulated can make a difference.

If you still aren’t sure..find out more or schedule a free 15 minute consult here with a therapist Madison.

The 6th stage of grief: finding meaning

David Kessler recently identified the sixth stage of grief as finding meaning in your loss. Kessler states, “meaning comes through finding a way to sustain your love for the person after their death while you’re moving forward with your life. Loss is simply what happens to you in life. Meaning is what you make happen.”

This concept of finding meaning in grief has been around for much longer. In the 1980’s Miles Model for Parental Grief describes the search for meaning as part of the reorganization phase of grief.

If you have experienced a pregnancy loss meaning making can be an important part of your grief process. In this article you will learn what meaning making is and ways to make meaning of your loss.

The concept of meaning making simply put is finding meaning around why this loss happened to you. No one wishes for a loss or is glad that it has happened but many of you may find some peace in finding purpose.

Here are 3 ways to make meaning in your grief:

1. Volunteer- some parents of loss have started non profits, other parents volunteer at organizations that support bereaved parents. Some of you may donate time or money.

   Local organizations: Mikayla’s Grace and Bereaved Parents of Madison both accept volunteers at different times of the year.

2. Advocate- some bereaved parents find meaning in advocating for policies that impact bereaved parents and infant and pregnancy loss.

3. Education/reducing stigma- Some of you may also find meaning making in educating others or reducing stigma by talking or writing about your loss. This may be in your social circles, on a social media platform, speaking at public events or writing news articles or blog posts.

If you have experienced a loss has meaning making been an important part of your grief? How have you found ways to make meaning of your loss? To learn more about stages of grief and pregnancy loss or to sign up for a free 15 minute phone consultation you can contact me here to work with a therapist Madison.

Pictured above, dropping off donations from Mikayla’s Grace to a local Nicu.

The emotional toll of a Missed Miscarriage

Having a miscarriage can be devastating. You may know signs and symptoms to look for  when your body may be starting the process of miscarriage and look for those throughout the first trimester. However, you may not know  that you can suffer a loss, but the body may not show signs of a miscarriage. This is referred to as a missed miscarriage.

Having a missed miscarriage can add an extra layer to the grief and trauma around early pregnancy loss. According to www.progny.com, “A missed miscarriage, also known as a missed abortion or a silent miscarriage, occurs when a fetus is no longer alive, but the body does not recognize the pregnancy loss or expel the pregnancy tissue. As a result, the placenta may continue to release hormones, so you may continue to experience signs of pregnancy.” A missed miscarriage can be devastating when there has not been any symptoms, and often, these symptoms may be typical of a healthy pregnancy - i.e., fatigue, nausea, etc. For most of you, you will find out about missed miscarriages when you go into your doctor’s office for your first appointment. One of the happiest days of your life (when you get to see your baby for the first time) can quickly turn to one of your saddest (finding out your baby is no longer alive).

For many carrying partners this can feel like your body has failed you, twice. Once, that your body was not able to carry a baby to term, and twice, because if your pregnancy was to end in a miscarriage why did your body not do this naturally? This can lead to a strong mistrust in your body that may lead to abuse or neglect of yourself. This also can present in a subsequent pregnancy causing anxiety and depression or ptsd. It can feel like your body is not a safe place for a healthy pregnancy after a missed miscarriage.

Having a missed miscarriage also leads you to what can be a difficult and painful decision of deciding how to manage the miscarriage process. While some people will wait to see if their body can complete the miscarriage on its own, most doctors will encourage you to schedule an intervention to manage the miscarriage process for health concerns.

After a decision has been made it can still be weeks to months to complete the process and symptoms of pregnancy may linger for months after that.

It is common to feel many different things, some common ones being shock, anger, denial, grief, shame, jealousy. You may feel a loss of control. It can be helpful to get connected to support during a missed miscarriage whether that is a support group, or a therapist that can help you talk through your decision, feelings and support you through the process and after a loss. Having a miscarriage can be isolating, finding support can make a huge difference.

Finding ways to be present in your body can be an important part of your process. Whether this is through grounding, centering, breathe work or exercise, movement or dance, it is important to be in your body and find healthy ways to reconnect with your body.

For more resources on miscarriage and to learn about the miscarriage support group with a therapist Madison, sign up for my monthly newsletter here. https://www.kullcounselingmadison.com/

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month 2020

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. For me it is the time of year that I think about the baby that I lost through miscarriage. October is the month that I found out I was pregnant. I told my husband by buying pumpkins. One for him, one for our daughter, one for me and a tiny pumpkin to let him know we had a new pumpkin on the way. It was such a happy moment and I remember it so vividly even though it was 6 years ago now. Even though I know it is coming every year I am still surprised by it every year. This year it came early. My rainbow baby pointed to a small pumpkin the other day on our walk and said, “oh mom, look how cute this baby pumpkin” is.

Do you have moments like this? A memory or object that bring up thoughts of your baby?

This month is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. This year is Covid-19. Usually it is a month filled of events that help you by bringing together a community of families that hold their babies in their hearts instead of their hands. This year that will look different. I have included a list of some virtual events in the Madison area. I know this year may be difficult for you because community can be such an important part of your healing journey. Please know that even though we are not able to gather in person, there is still a community here to support you.

OCTOBER:

1st: Miscarriage support group - The free monthly miscarriage support group will meeting virtually on October 1st from 5 - 6:15 p.m. Please email julie@kullcounselingmadison.com to register.

3rd: 10 a.m. CST: Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep virtual walk

The Virtual Walk includes an online presentation with readings, music, and speakers to honor your baby. During the presentation, each baby is honored by having his or her name read aloud.

Also the 3rd: Harley’s Hustle virtual 5k Set your course, set your pace, and just run. Share your pictures by tagging @HarleysHustle on social media.

8th: 6:30 p.m. GPS Hope Janesville (2nd Thursday)

12th: 5:30 - 7 p.m. Bo's Heavenly Clubhouse Support Meetings at Higher Grounds Coffee Shop in Beaver Dam (2nd Monday)

15th - 18th: Forever In Our Hearts Remembrance Day: Join by creating a sense of community and support found at in-person walks. There are many ways to join this event - purchase a yard sign, walk in your community, watch a video of the names of babies being remembered this year, and so on.

26th: 5:30 - 7 p.m. Bo's Heavenly Clubhouse Support Meetings at Higher Grounds Coffee Shop in Beaver Dam (4th Monday)

For more information on miscarriage or the above events email julie@kullcounselingmadison.com or 608.239.4807.

Pregnancy after a loss meditation script

Being pregnant after a loss can come with an increase of anxiety. Meditation can be a great way to get in your body, become aware of how you feel, and to stay present. Recently I recorded a meditation which can be found on the pregnancy after loss page on my website.

Here is the script:

Pregnancy after loss meditation-

I invite you to get into a comfortable position either with your feet on the floor or lying down. Rest your hands by your side or in your lap and begin to close your eyes.

Today we are going to be talking about pregnancy after a loss. There are many thoughts that can come up for those pregnant after a loss.

I invite you today to acknowledge your thoughts and just notice them, without judgment.  Our thoughts are not facts.

There is no wrong way to meditate. Meditation takes practice and it is okay if your mind wanders, if you notice your thoughts wandering simply let them go and bring your awareness back to your breath.

We will begin by bringing awareness into the breath. Inhale to the count of 3 and exhale to the count of 4. If at any moment today something feels uncomfortable in your body please skip it. We will continue to breath in to the count of 3 and out to the count of 4 bringing attention to our breath.

Breath in and out

In and out

We will begin by bringing awareness into our body. Starting by bringing awareness into our head, notice how your forehead, your eyes, your mouth, your cheeks your ears are feeling, notice any sensations without judgment.

Now bring your awareness down your head to your neck and shoulders, simply noticing how you are feeling.

Now draw your attention to your chest and back and simply notice. Continue to breath into the count of 3 out to the count of 4.

Bring your awareness into your arms and then your hands. Notice if they feel heavy, light, warm or cold. Simply notice how they are feeling at this very moment.

Continue down your body now into your lower back, stomach and hips noticing any sensations. Continue traveling down into your legs and toes continuing to breath and notice any sensations.

Take a deep breath in through you head and breath out through your toes.

We will now return to our heart and our stomach. If it feels okay to you bring one hand to your heart and another to your belly.

Continue to breath in to the count of 3 and out to the count of 4.

Bring breath and awareness to your heart and your belly. Your body is strong. Your body can grow a healthy baby. You can hold love in your heart for both your loss and for the new baby growing inside of you.

Whatever emotions you are feeling inside or okay. Emotions are not good or bad, they just simply are. Notice your emotions without judgment and bring your awareness back to your breath.

Continue to breath. If you have an intention for your pregnancy you can say it silently now.

As we start to return now to the room know that your baby is loved, that your body is strong and capable of caring for this baby.

Know that meditation is available whenever you need it. You can return to these feelings of calm whenever you need to.

I will count back from 5 and then we will return to the room.

5, 4, 3 begin to bring movement back to your body, 2 bring awareness back to the room 1 open your eyes.

For more information about pregnancy after a loss please contact Kull Counseling, LLC at 608.239.4807 or julie@kullcounselingmadison.com

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month

In 1988 Ronald Reagan declared October as Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month http://nationalshare.org/october-awareness/

“When a child loses a parent, they are called orphans.

When a spouse loses a partner, they are called a widow or widower.

When a parent loses a child, their is not a word to describe them.” -Ronald Reagan

Every October we take a moment to honor babies gone too soon. For many this may be a very difficult time of year, but can also be a time of year for healing.

Here in Madison we are fortunate to have some great resources for those who have suffered pregnancy or infant loss.

October 2- Lunch and Learn about Pregnancy after a loss at Madison Area Parents Support

11:30-12:30 p.m.

Psychotherapist Julie C Kull, LCSW will lead a lunch and learn discussing education and coping skills for pregnancy after loss.

https://www.madisonareaparentsupport.org/calendar

402 E Washington Avenue at MAPS Base Camp

October 3- Kull Counseling Miscarriage Support Group

5:30-6:45 p.m.

This support group is run by psychotherapist Julie C Kull, LCSW. The purpose of this group is to provide a safe place to share your loss and connect with others in the early loss community. We will be painting rocks to honor your babies in October.

720 Hill Street, Madison, WI

To register contact Julie at 608.239.4807 or julie@kullcounselingmadison.com

October 17- Bereaved Parents of Madison Support Group

7:30pm (Doors open at 7:20pm)
St Mary's Hospital in Conference Bay 4
700 South Park Street 
Madison, WI

October 19- Remembrance Day hosted by Mikayla’s Grace

“This Remembrance Day is to honor families who have lost babies through pregnancy, stillbirth, or in early infancy. This 9th Annual Forever in Our Hearts Remembrance Day is being planned by local bereaved parents and Madison area non-profit Mikayla's Grace.”

BTC Events in Fitchburg, WI

What to expect at the miscarriage support group

I often get asked about the free monthly miscarriage support group so I thought I would take the opportunity to share a little Q & A about what you can expect if you are thinking about attending.

When and where does the group meet?

The group meets the first Thursday of every month from 5:30 p.m. to 6:45 p.m. at 720 Hill Street.

Why do I need to register and how do I register?

I do ask that everyone registers in advance. This lets me know how many I can expect so that we will have enough people to make a group. I know how hard it can be to get the courage to come in for a group and if we do not have more than one participant than we cannot hold a group that month. I also ask that you register so that I can send you a few questions to make sure that the group would be a good fit for you. You can register by emailing julie@kullcounselingmadison.com or calling 608.239.4807.

What is the purpose of the group?

The purpose of the group is to find support and connect with others that have been through a miscarriage.

What can I expect at the group?

You can expect a relaxed atmosphere and an inviting space. I usually start the discussion with a few reminders, an introduction and sometimes a quote or intention. I invite everyone to talk when they are ready to. It is not a requirement that you participate but I find that most people are ready to share when they come. I keep the group small so that is not overwhelming. You may not be in the exact same place as others but more than likely you will find that you have some things in common with the other participants. If the group happens to fall near a holiday or a due date we often discuss these and ideas on how to cope.

Is the group religion based?

No. Everyone is welcome. Everyone is also welcome to share their beliefs as it pertains to their loss. We respect that people have different beliefs.

How much does the group cost?

Nothing! This group is free of charge. I want everyone to be able to access it.

Who is appropriate for this group?

Anyone who has had a loss before the 20th week of pregnancy.

Can my partner come?

Yes partners are welcome.

What can I do if I have more questions?

If you have questions or would like to register please contact Julie at julie@kullcounselingmadison.com or 608-239-4807.

#miscarriage matters...my story

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. I hope that sharing my story may help someone else find comfort and strength.

This Thanksgiving will mark 4 years since I said goodbye to one of the men that I respected most in this world, my grandfather. As the priest mentioned later at his funeral, it was so fitting that he died on Thanksgiving because he was the most thankful and giving man despite facing many challenges in his life. It was difficult to say goodbye to him, and bittersweet, as I had a secret that only my sisters knew, I was pregnant with my second child.

Fast forward 5 days later and I was sitting at the doctor’s office with my husband and one year old waiting for our 8 week ultrasound. I remember thinking how lucky I felt and how it almost did not feel real. I could not wait to show our daughter that she had a sibling on the way.

The doctor’s office confirmed my pregnancy with a blood test, so it was on to the ultrasound. As the tech started to move the wand around she was silent. I looked at the screen and knew immediately that something was wrong. I had seen what a 8 week ultrasound looked like with my first child and I knew this baby did not have a heartbeat. What happened next is a blur of talking with the doctor, crying, and feeling so empty. I will never forget the nurse that sat me down to go over my options with me telling me how sorry she was and that she had had 4 miscarriages. In that moment, hearing her story gave me strength to get through that day.

I decided to wait hoping that the baby would come out naturally on its own. I spent the next few weeks trying to heal and also let go. I went to my grandfather’s funeral, showing little emotion, fearing that any emotion would lead to a breakdown or trigger the miscarriage.

The baby did not come out on its own. The miscarriage took an entire month to complete. It was a month filled with pain, bleeding, and doctor’s appointments.

After the physical symptoms had subsided, the emotional ones had kicked in. Every person that has had a miscarriage is different and everyone reacts differently. I was embarrassed, ashamed and heart broken. I felt like my body had one job in life and it failed. I told a few people in my support circle. Some people were great, some people had a hard time relating. Support came from surprising places. Even with this support I felt really lonely. I looked for resources in the community and nothing was the right fit. Based on the challenges I had finding help in the community, I made a promise to myself that when I was at a place to help others with pregnancy loss that I would. In 2016 I started taking trainings and doing research on psychotherapy and pregnancy loss. In October of 2017 I started offering a support group for miscarriage.

Having a miscarriage can make someone feel so alone. If you or someone that you love has had an early pregnancy loss please share this resource with them. No one should have to go through this alone.

For more information on pregnancy loss or to sign up for the free monthly support group please contact julie@kullcounselingmadison.com or 608.239.4807.