In 1963, Andy Williams sang, "It's the most wonderful time of the year."
If you have experienced an early pregnancy loss you may feel differently. The holidays can be a difficult time of the year for many, but can be especially difficult if you have experienced a miscarriage.
You may be dreading parties because people do know and are uncomfortable about what to say or people do not know and are asking when you are planning on starting or growing your family. Or maybe you are dreading opening holiday cards of pictures of friends and family with their children or you may be dreading sending out your own without your child.
You might be celebrating the anniversary of your loss, a due date or your child's first holiday. Perhaps you were waiting for Christmas to announce your upcoming birth. You might have already made plans for what this holiday would look like with a new baby. It is easy to feel triggered around the holidays when much of it is centered around family and children.
Wherever you are in your journey, and whatever stage you are at in your grief, here are a few ideas to help through the holiday season.
Update 2021: This is an article that I wrote a few years ago but I have found is still helpful for navigating the holidays today. That being said for most of you, the holidays will look much different this year in the midst of Covid-19. I think more than ever this year support is especially needed. Whether it is virtual, or socially distanced I encourage you to find your support people. If you are not getting the support you need, it is important to ask for it. You may find going through a pregnancy loss can be isolating.
Tips for getting through the holiday season after an early pregnancy loss:
1. Get extra support - You need additional support during this time. Whether this is doubling up on support groups, additional therapy sessions or just making plans with those that support you and your loss. If you are religious, this may include attending services or seeking support through other church members.
Support groups for miscarriage in the Madison, WI area:
https://www.kullcounselingmadison.com/miscarriage-support-group/
http://www.bereavedparentsofmadison.com
2. Say No - You do not have to do everything. It is okay to say no, whether this is to a party, a family gathering or sending out holiday cards. You especially do not need to do anything that triggers you or that is not a good space for you right now.
3. Practice kindness - During the holidays you tend to practice gratitude and kindness towards each other. Practice kindness and gratitude towards yourself. You may feel like you should be over your grief by now or that you were doing so well and that you took a step backwards-be patient with yourself. Do extra self care during this season: cooking, going for a walk, yoga, practicing mindfulness, reading a book, talking to a friend, or going on a date with your partner are just a few ideas.
4. Honor your baby - you may find it comforting to start a tradition to remember your baby during the holidays. This may look like buying an ornament that honors them or lighting a candle on your holiday to honor their presence. It could be volunteering or buying a gift for someone in need. Whatever this may look like for you, if you want your baby to be part of your holidays you can do it and let the important people in your life know what you need to honor your baby so they can support you.
Please remember if you are grieving a miscarriage you are not alone. If you need help during the holidays, Kull Counseling can help. Please contact 608.239.4807 or julie@kullcounselingmadison.com for more information.
