Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month: Your guide to resources from a therapist in Madison

“A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. There is no word for a parent who loses a child. That’s how awful the loss is.”

— Ronald Reagan

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Here are some local events around Madison, WI to honor the babies gone too soon. At the end of the list are some options for ongoing virtual support on a national level.

October 6th- Fundraiser at Octopi Brewing Company for the Hope and Loss Clinic

October 7th- Forever in our Hearts Remembrance Day Walk and Ceremony

October 8th- Morning Coffee with the Alana Rose Foundation

October 11th 12-1 p.m. Free Miscarriage virtual Support group hosted by Julie from Kull Counseling (therapist Madison)

October 12th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day - Advocate Aurora Oshkosh 2023 5-7 p.m.

October 15th Wave of Light at 7 p.m.

October 19th 6:30-8:30 p.m. The Bereaved Parents of Madison Hosts and in person support group

Other virtual options for support include Postpartum International and Return to Zero.

For more information about local support for Pregnancy or Infant Loss in Wisconsin. Email Julie C Kull, LCSW.

How therapy can help after a miscarriage

It is estimated that 1 in 4 women will have a miscarriage. You may be feeling like if it is so common that you “should” be able to deal with it on your own or that it will not impact you or maybe even that it isn’t a big deal. For most people it is a big deal and it can be pretty hard to cope with.

Statistics suggest that 30-50% of women experience anxiety and 10-15 percent experience depression up to 4 months following a loss according to FIGO.

NIHR discusses a study that found 1 in 3 women show signs of PTSD after a miscarriage.

So why is this important? We know that the mental health of the mother can greatly impact the child even in pregnancy. Their are many studies that discuss the impact of the mental well being of the mom in pregnancy and the long term impact it may have on the child’s physical, emotional and cognitive development. Many women will become pregnant again soon after a miscarriage but long before anxiety and/or depression symptoms have subsided. While it is common to think getting pregnant again after a loss will decrease anxiety it often does not. Seeking therapy after a miscarriage can impact your ability to cope and decrease anxiety/depression in subsequent pregnancy.

How can therapy help?

Normalize- Many of the feelings you may be feeling are common for those that have had a miscarriage. Knowing that your feelings are okay and that there are ways to cope. Knowing that it is hard to have a miscarriage, that women do seek therapy and sometimes medication after a loss and that most people do not just “get over it”, even if it is common.

Validate- I am just going to say it- people are sooo uncomfortable with grief. You may be finding it really hard to express your feelings with family and friends. This can be even harder with a pregnancy loss that it can be when losing a friend or a grandparent. Often the people in your life may have not had an attachment or even known about the pregnancy before. It can be hard for people to relate to what we call an ambiguous loss. It can be really healing to have your feelings acknowledged and validated.

Help you to identify healthy ways to cope with grief- Unfortunately trying again or gods willing it or at least you know you can get pregnant are not the kind of healthy ways you need to deal with grief. But, acknowledging your feelings, finding support, creating a container for your grief, nurturing yourself, honoring your loss, making meaning and acceptance can be.

Set boundaries and ask for what you need in relationship- If you are in a relationship you probably are already starting to realize that you are your partner are grieving this differently. This also applies to family members that may need a gentle reminder on what you need to feel supported or the acknowledgement that this person in your life might not have the ability to support you through this for whatever reason and ouch can that really hurt.

Understand the grief and trauma around pregnancy loss- Understanding a framework for grief and what you have or might experience can help. Looking at your loss and understanding the trauma that can be experienced can also be really helpful in understanding how it has impacted you and what makes it difficult to process. Working with those triggers, increasing your window of tolerance and helping you to feel more regulated can make a difference.

If you still aren’t sure..find out more or schedule a free 15 minute consult here with a therapist Madison.

The Grief of Infertility

The Mayo Clinic describes grief as: an emotion, sorrow, numbness, a natural reaction to a loss, a universal and a personal experience. When going through infertility, you may not realize you are experiencing grief. You may identify with feeling sad, worried, hopeless, or angry. Many of these emotions are part of your grief. Infertility has so many losses that are not acknowledged. Grief is a huge part of what you are going through if you are struggling with infertility.

Types of loss when going through infertility:

1. Loss of dreams and expectations. You may have grown up playing with dolls, being told that you are a good mommy, or that someday you will make a good mommy. You might have been told that when you meet someone that you love and decide to get married then that is the right time to have children. You also might have been told to put your career or school first, and that after you accomplish your goals then you can have children. You may have the age planned out of when you would like to have children. You probably were never told you might get to be a mother or that you can decide when you want to start trying to conceive but that might not be when you get pregnant. You probably were not told when you were a little girl playing with dolls that it may take months, if not years to conceive, and that you might have to use assisted reproductive technology in order to do it. With infertility there is grief over your dreams and the realization that they may not be what you thought they would be.

2. Loss of identity. Many of you grew up wanting to be a mother and probably felt it was always part of your narrative. For many of you it is part of your identity even before you ever start trying to conceive, knowing that one day you will be a mother. You may wonder if I am not a mother than who am I?

3. Loss of relationships. When you are going through infertility it can be extremely difficult to watch friends or family get pregnant when you are also trying to conceive. You may feel disconnected, such that if someone invites you to a party you may not want to go because everyone will be there with their children or will be talking about their children. If you are not invited because you do not have children it is equally as painful. If you are going through infertility your relationships may be changing, weakening, dissolving and even ending. Even if your relationship with someone does not completely end you may feel a loss of what your relationship had been with the person.

4. Loss of body function. When you are suffering from infertility it can be because one of your reproductive organs is not working. There is a loss when you feel like a part of your body does not work or is broken.

5. Loss of youth. If you are going through infertility you might have heard the term, “advanced maternal age”. You also might have been told that you are too old to go through assisted reproductive technology, which may leave you grieving for your youth.

6. Loss of control. You may be feeling a loss of control. This can look a like a loss of control of emotions. You may feel like you are on a rollercoaster of emotions, one day feeling hopeful, to the next day feeling like you cannot get out of bed. You may also feel a loss of control over your body. Even if you are timing everything perfectly, following your medical advice on how to conceive it still might not be working for you. You may also be feeling a loss of control over the fact that you do not have as much control as you thought. You might have thought that when the time is right that you would get pregnant, that you could decide when you were ready to be a mother and coming to terms that you do not have that kind of control can be a loss and need to be grieved.

7. Loss of not being pregnant. For most of you every time you only see one line on a pregnancy test or get your period every month there is a loss of not conceiving. You may need to process your grief every month after this happens.

   Grief is an emotion that many of you are feeling during the infertility process but may not have acknowledged was there. Acknowledge it, name it, feel it, observe it. There are ways to process this grief.

   For more information on grief during infertility contact Julie@kullcounselingmadison.com or 608.239.4807.

How to love your body through infertility

Infertility is the inability to conceive or sustain a pregnancy after 1 year (for women less than 35 years of age) or after 6 months (for women over 35 years old).

If you are struggling with infertility you may feel anger, guilt, shame, depressed, or broken. It is common for women going through infertility to struggle with anxiety or depression. But one of the things that I rarely see addressed is how women feel about their body while going through infertility. You may be feeling like your body is broken, like it let you down and is not doing its job to reproduce. If you are a woman, odds are you may have a history of a body dissatisfaction. Infertility may be bringing up some new feelings about your body or triggering ones from your past.

You may hate your body.

You may want to punish your body by saying mean things to/about it. You may want to punish your body by dieting, restricting or bingeing food. You might even want to hurt your body. You may have a hard time connecting with your body, struggling to remain intimate with your partner, or even feeling numb in certain areas.

If you are going through infertility, you are not broken.

Here are some ways to love your body through infertility;

1. Challenge your negative thoughts about your body - When you are having negative thoughts about your body it is easy to see your body as broken or bad. It is easy to want to punish your body or even to hate your body. By challenging these negative thoughts we can examine where they have come from, what proof we have to support them, and how to reframe them.

2. Praise your body - Even if you do not believe what you are saying, even if you cringe while you are saying it, say it. Start by focusing on the part of your body that you do love or that you feel is strong. Focus on the functions of your body and what it truly does for you. If you have other children this is a great activity to do together. This is also something you can do while doing a physical activity. Examples of this are, “I love my feet because they allow me to run many miles” and “I love my hands because they are steady and stable allowing me to create a painting or piece of pottery.”

3. Positive affirmations - When thinking of negative statements (i.e. “my body is broken”) try to mentally or verbally replace that statement with a positive statement about your body. For example, “I love my body” or “My body is strong” or “My body is amazing” or “My body can do so many things.” Start each day by looking in the mirror and saying one positive thing about your body.

4. Give your body the proper nourishment - Fill your body with foods that give you energy and make you feel good. Feed it until it is full. Nourish it when it shows signs of hunger.

5. Let your body rest - Trying to get pregnant is tough work. You are challenging your body physically, mentally, and emotionally everyday while trying to get pregnant. Being aware of when your body needs to rest; self-care is necessary. For most people, that is 7-9 hours of sleep and may be even more when undergoing procedures or fertility interventions.

6. Move your body - Physical and mental exercise is helpful.

7. Practice mind/body exercises - Mind/body exercises are those that combine breathe work with mental focus and body movement. This could be yoga or tai chi, as well as grounding exercises or progressive relaxation.

8. Know when to get help - Many women suffer from an eating disorder, disordered eating, and/or body image concerns in their lifetime. If going through infertility is triggering any disordered eating behaviors such as restricting, bingeing, purging, only eating certain foods, feeling detached from your body, or punishing your body in any other way it is time to seek professional help.

For more information on loving your body through infertility contact Julie at julie@kullcounselingmadison.com or 608-239-4807.