Resources for Pregnancy after a Loss in Madison, Wisconsin - Doula

Pregnancy after loss support Madison Alli Ryan

For this month’s blog post I wanted to take this opportunity to talk to you about how a doula can help with the birth process. It is common when you’re pregnant after a loss to feel an increased amount of anxiety about giving birth. A doula can help with the emotional and physical side of labor.

For this article I interviewed Alli Ryan from Lumos

Julie: So Alli what is a doula?

Alli: A doula provides physical, emotional and informational support. Most folks think that is just to a pregnant person thats giving birth but a doula can extend into birth and postpartum. At a birth we may help you with coping strategies, with positions, we’re going to help you with if your planning a hospital birth so we can navigate some of the hospital systems stuff and know what are your choices, but we can do those same things in pregnancy. We are not medical care providers we don’t give medical advice. We are not midwives- midwives are medical and emotional. As our doula our role is just informational, physical and emotional support.

Julie: How can you help support someone that pregnant after a loss?

Alli: Leaning into that emotional support peace. All people come into birth with a story and sometimes you know what your story is because you have had early pregnancy loss or loss at any point so those emotions are really big. It is finding a safe space. The hormone in labor is oxytocin and oxytocin is the hormone of feeling safe and supported. The way our brain is structured the fear hormones actually compete with our labor hormones. To be able to have someone to set you up to feel safe in not only pregnancy but labor really does allow those hormones to flow a little bit better. It is someone that understands you. We can help you move the staff through so you don’t have to tell your story over and over again. We help you to know what your options are. There can be options available specific to pregnancy after loss such as labor positions that might bring up a lot of feelings for you. We find their are stages along the way like oh I did not realize I had put a lot of energy into getting past 20 weeks or in that ultrasound in our last pregnancy is when things got hard. It is helping you move through some of those milestones. Usually folks that want doula support want all of their feelings honored. They also want information, support and facts.

Julie: Are their commonalities that you see in the labor and delivery room for people pregnant after a loss?

Alli: Moving through pregnancy their are these milestones that you have to get through like I knew I was going to have a hard time getting through that. We can help you think about those things ahead of time, move through those things and coming up with a plan. Sometimes I will find early labor can feel like some of those sensations of an early pregnancy loss and so having a person you can call and say I am having really hard feelings, we aren’t necessarily going to be there to fix them and this is where mental health providers can help with tools but we can be those safe people to help remind you of what your tools are when all of that kind of goes out the window. We can help you bring in your past losses so if you named your babies or put some sort of energy or labels or icons or symbols or teddy bears we can normalize that. That is very normal. It is very normal to help you feel connection in those experiences.

I also think most folks don’t understand how hard the postpartum is.

There can be a big huge wave of grief that comes in waves because you start to realize what you lost in a way that is like in your arms. Their can be a lot of complicated feelings. To lean into the support team that you have created, those are all really important things to do.

Julie: That’s such a good point. I also feel that people are hesitant to have a doula in the room because they are very private and it can be hard enough to be in front of your medical team. Can you speak to that?

Alli: We hear that from a lot from all folks not just from people pregnant after a loss. What we hear now is that a doula actually hear that a doula helps keep things private. We aren’t a stranger thats a weirdo in the room. We’ve also been to a lot of births. If you guys need us to disappear for a while because you need a moment we are going to know that without you even saying it and we are going to kind of blend into the background. We’re also going to in particular in a hospital environment we are going to help that hospital feel more private. We may be able to communicate to stay hey they are just going to have a little time together and can we keep folks out and help you ask for that as a patient. Advocate for what you need. Helping that environment feel like your nest, this is your experience and not a sterile hospital room. There are simple things we can do like turning down the lights and bringing twinkle lights and having is smell different and thinking about your music. But there is also a lot that just comes with our presence a doula in and of itself is a communication tool that we want this labor to take into account our emotions. We want it to feel like an individual experience. We want to understand what is happening around us and we want support. Just having a doula present makes that experience a little more private.

Julie: Do you want to speak why you are interested in working with pregnancy after loss?

Alli: I had been a doula for a couple of years, my husband and I hadn’t had any complications getting pregnant. We seemed to get pregnant very easily but we weren’t able to stay pregnant very easily. My big rainbow, we use the terminology rainbow at our house, pregnancy after loss, was born and then got pregnant again and then almost term we had our daughter who was born via stillbirth. She is a huge part of our life, her name is Vivian and pretty quickly realized that was going to transform the birth work and postpartum work that I was already doing. So I come to doula work in a way that is believing and trusting that people can figure out there way through it but that we need support to figure our own way through. I don’t come with this perspective of this is how I did it, I come with the perspective that is more I understand how hard this is to do this, there are a lot of great professionals in our community that can understand that whether or not they have had loss, I can understand it in a way that is a little bit different. So, right it transformed my work as a doula and then really did. We also went onto to have another brother, so another rainbow and my work was transformed.

Julie: Thank you for sharing that and willing to be vulnerable. If someone is interested in working with you how can they get in contact with you?

Alli: So I own a business called Lumos you can go to our website at welcometolumos.com. We work with other doulas all who have some level of experience working with all different sorts of families of shapes and sizes. Those that have experienced loss as well.

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month

miscarriage rock.jpg

In 1988 Ronald Reagan declared October as Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month http://nationalshare.org/october-awareness/

“When a child loses a parent, they are called orphans.

When a spouse loses a partner, they are called a widow or widower.

When a parent loses a child, their is not a word to describe them.” -Ronald Reagan

Every October we take a moment to honor babies gone too soon. For many this may be a very difficult time of year, but can also be a time of year for healing.

Here in Madison we are fortunate to have some great resources for those who have suffered pregnancy or infant loss.

October 2- Lunch and Learn about Pregnancy after a loss at Madison Area Parents Support

11:30-12:30 p.m.

Psychotherapist Julie C Kull, LCSW will lead a lunch and learn discussing education and coping skills for pregnancy after loss.

https://www.madisonareaparentsupport.org/calendar

402 E Washington Avenue at MAPS Base Camp

October 3- Kull Counseling Miscarriage Support Group

5:30-6:45 p.m.

This support group is run by psychotherapist Julie C Kull, LCSW. The purpose of this group is to provide a safe place to share your loss and connect with others in the early loss community. We will be painting rocks to honor your babies in October.

720 Hill Street, Madison, WI

To register contact Julie at 608.239.4807 or julie@kullcounselingmadison.com

October 17- Bereaved Parents of Madison Support Group

7:30pm (Doors open at 7:20pm)
St Mary's Hospital in Conference Bay 4
700 South Park Street 
Madison, WI

October 19- Remembrance Day hosted by Mikayla’s Grace

“This Remembrance Day is to honor families who have lost babies through pregnancy, stillbirth, or in early infancy. This 9th Annual Forever in Our Hearts Remembrance Day is being planned by local bereaved parents and Madison area non-profit Mikayla's Grace.”

BTC Events in Fitchburg, WI

Setting an intention for 2020

intention anxiety counseling madison

Last year I wrote this article and it has been updated for 2020. This year I set not only an intention for the year but also looking forward to a new decade.

Last year’s intention was growth. I pushed myself personally and professionally to do things that made me really uncomfortable and that helped me grow. Setting an intention can help you to focus not only on what you want out of the year but also help to hold you accountable. I challenge you to post your intention somewhere that you can see it this year or maybe even somewhere that others can see it too!

Only a few more days and 2019 will be at a close. For many people this is a welcome change. The start of a new year signals beginnings, and provides an opportunity for change and growth. What do we want from this new year? How will it be different than last year? What do we wish was different in our life? What needs to change this year for us? While I am not big on New Year’s resolutions, I do like setting intentions and working to achieve goals.

According to Mind Body Green, “Intentions are the fuel to manifesting your goals and visions.” There are many different ways to set an intention, but this year I challenge you to set a one-word intention. Think of one word that will help guide you in the next year to get you closer to your goals or visions. When we create a long list of goals or resolutions, it can be difficult to stick with. Focusing on one word can provide focus on your intention and more obtainable goals.

My intention this year is to live intentionally.

This means paying attention to what I give and take from my environment.

Paying attention to how I am giving and taking energy from others.

Focusing on the present.

Ways to use Intentions:

  • Create a mantra around it that you can repeat to yourself or just say the word.

  • Post the word somewhere you can see it - on your bathroom mirror, your daily planner or set your phone screen with a picture of your intention.

  • Journal about how your intention is being incorporated into your life.

  • Meditate on this word.

  • Share your word, ask friends close to you to set an intention and discuss how this word is showing up in your life.

  • Create a collage with your intention in the middle and see what develops.


What will your intention be this year?

To learn more about setting intentions and growth check out www.kullcounselingmadison.com

#miscarriage matters...my story

heart.jpg

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. I hope that sharing my story may help someone else find comfort and strength.

This Thanksgiving will mark 4 years since I said goodbye to one of the men that I respected most in this world, my grandfather. As the priest mentioned later at his funeral, it was so fitting that he died on Thanksgiving because he was the most thankful and giving man despite facing many challenges in his life. It was difficult to say goodbye to him, and bittersweet, as I had a secret that only my sisters knew, I was pregnant with my second child.

Fast forward 5 days later and I was sitting at the doctor’s office with my husband and one year old waiting for our 8 week ultrasound. I remember thinking how lucky I felt and how it almost did not feel real. I could not wait to show our daughter that she had a sibling on the way.

The doctor’s office confirmed my pregnancy with a blood test, so it was on to the ultrasound. As the tech started to move the wand around she was silent. I looked at the screen and knew immediately that something was wrong. I had seen what a 8 week ultrasound looked like with my first child and I knew this baby did not have a heartbeat. What happened next is a blur of talking with the doctor, crying, and feeling so empty. I will never forget the nurse that sat me down to go over my options with me telling me how sorry she was and that she had had 4 miscarriages. In that moment, hearing her story gave me strength to get through that day.

I decided to wait hoping that the baby would come out naturally on its own. I spent the next few weeks trying to heal and also let go. I went to my grandfather’s funeral, showing little emotion, fearing that any emotion would lead to a breakdown or trigger the miscarriage.

The baby did not come out on its own. The miscarriage took an entire month to complete. It was a month filled with pain, bleeding, and doctor’s appointments.

After the physical symptoms had subsided, the emotional ones had kicked in. Every person that has had a miscarriage is different and everyone reacts differently. I was embarrassed, ashamed and heart broken. I felt like my body had one job in life and it failed. I told a few people in my support circle. Some people were great, some people had a hard time relating. Support came from surprising places. Even with this support I felt really lonely. I looked for resources in the community and nothing was the right fit. Based on the challenges I had finding help in the community, I made a promise to myself that when I was at a place to help others with pregnancy loss that I would. In 2016 I started taking trainings and doing research on psychotherapy and pregnancy loss. In October of 2017 I started offering a support group for miscarriage.

Having a miscarriage can make someone feel so alone. If you or someone that you love has had an early pregnancy loss please share this resource with them. No one should have to go through this alone.

For more information on pregnancy loss or to sign up for the free monthly support group please contact julie@kullcounselingmadison.com or 608.239.4807.

Going back to work after a miscarriage

adult-blur-businesswoman-374897.jpg

Miscarriage affects 1 in 4 people. Most miscarriages happen in the first trimester. While it is common to have a miscarriage, how it affects you looks different for each person. A miscarriage can take a toll on your wellbeing. Many women struggle with how and when to return to work after having a miscarriage. Below are some considerations for deciding when to go back to work and some coping tips that may be useful at work.

Considerations to make before returning to work:

1. Is your body physically able to return to work?

Having a miscarriage can be a painful experience. It can drain you not only emotionally but physically. It is common that your hormones may be out of whack and is common that you will still have pregnancy symptoms and you may still feel pregnant. The miscarriage may take a few weeks to complete. You may need to take time away to schedule a D & C. You may need to consider what your job asks of you physically. Do you have to do any heavy lifting or be on your feet all day?

2. Are you emotionally ready to return to work?

Do you feel well enough emotionally ready to return to work? You might be having a hard time concentrating. You also may find that your emotions are consuming you. It is common to feel like your emotions are on a roller coaster often feeling more than one emotion at a time. It is common to feel sadness, anxiety, depression, loss of interest in things, isolated, and feeling disconnected from your body.

3. Will you tell anyone?

If you took some time off after/during your miscarriage your boss may wonder while you are out. Will you tell your boss? Have you thought about how you want to tell them? If you decide not to talk about it at work have you thought about what you might tell your coworkers if they ask where you were. Do you have anyone at work that you can trust or that your feel like you want to tell?

4. What can you do if you are feeling upset at work?

When you have a miscarriage it can affect you at different times. You might be feeling okay but then something may trigger thoughts of the miscarriage and feelings of sadness, frustration, isolation ect. Do you have coping skills at work when these feelings come on? Is their someone that you can talk to? Would you like some alone time? Where can you go? Your office, a bathroom, outside for a walk? Does deep breathing help you? A simple method is called four square breathing. Breathe in to the count of four, hold it to the count of four, exhale to the count of four, hold it and repeat. Can you do a grounding exercise? An exercise that is easy to remember is to just feel your feet. Put your feet flat on the floor and bring awareness to any sensations that you feel in your feet for the next minute.

5. When do you have to be back at work?

Do you know your work policies about how much time you can take off this may include bereavement leave or your company may even have a policy around pregnancy loss? Have you contacted the correct departments if you need more time off of work. Most companies have a human resources department that can help to guide you through this process. Can you work from home?

If you do not feel ready to return to work it is important to speak with your doctor. If you are feeling depressed or anxious most days it is also important to talk to your doctor or identify a psychotherapist that you can talk to.

For tips on returning to work and early pregnancy loss contact Kull Counseling, LLC at 608.239.4807.