How to survive the the first 1-3 months with a new baby from a therapist in Madison

Having a newborn baby can be life changing. It is common to have mixed emotions and not feel prepared. Having a newborn can be a very challenging time. Here are some tips that can be helpful from what I have learned working with postpartum moms/parents.

Self care- Self care is ever evolving and what you may need one day may not be what you need the next day. It is good to have options to make sure you are getting some sort of self care each day. Self care can be many different things- embracing your creative side, reading a book, calling a support person, getting enough food to eat, getting some movement, getting outside, sitting quietly or meditation. Self care can take all different forms. It is important to remember yourself through all of this and continue to support your needs as well as you baby’s needs. It is okay to say no. If you aren’t up for a visitor or you would not like your mother in law to move in for the first 2 weeks- it is okay to say no, it is important to listen to what you need.

Lower expectations- having a baby can be wonderful. It can also be exhausting, boring, and challenging. It is okay to not love being a parent every moment of every day. If you find that you are not feeling any joy or do not feel connected to your baby click here. But if you have moments of joy and moments that you are not enjoying the newborn phase it is okay to take the pressure off that you have to love being a parent every moment of every day. Lowering expectations can also refer to the amount of things you want to get done in a day or what you thought this phase might look like.

Get into a routine- And no I am not referring to a big schedule that has you up at 5 a.m., working out at 6 a.m. and then making breakfast. I am referring to a more simplified routine. Between baby’s morning naps would you like to get in some movement, or get something to eat or is this a good time to get in some extra sleep for yourself. While at this stage when your baby will nap is largely out of control, but it can help to do a loose plan for the in between times or just picking one thing you want to get done each day. It can also help with feeling like yourself again to take a shower and get dressed each day when you are able to.

Build a community- I am sure you have all heard the quote- “it takes a village”. While you do not need an entire village to raise a baby, it is nice to have help and support around you. It can be important to connect with other new parents and it is nice to know who you can call or text when you just need someone to talk to. A community does not have to be just family and friends. It can be providers that support you- your doctor/midwife, your therapist, your pediatrician. All of these people are part of your community and part of your support team.

Be flexible- When you have a baby you do all kinds of planning. You plan for childcare and what the baby might need, you plan a room and where they will sleep. You plan what kind of parent you may be and what you might need from your partner if you have one. And then you have the baby and many of those lovely plans were not what you need. Something I hear over and over again from new moms is they had no idea what these first few weeks would be like. A baby is not going to fit into neat plans. Having a baby requires constant flexibility. Needs are constantly changing and it requires a lot of reassessing and pivoting on what is working for you and what is working for baby.

Ask for help- Do not hesitate to ask for help. Whether you have a question for your OBGYN or you Pediatrician- they are there to help. You are not bothering them. As a new parent you are not expected to be an expert at parenting. If you have questions ask. If you need support from a therapist Madison or a lactation consult or a postpartum doula, ask for help. If you need help at home or family support- ask for help.

For more information on Postpartum care or a therapist Madison contact julie@kullcounselingmadison.com.

Exploring Sensations in our body from a therapist in Madison

In 2021 I took a training called Sensorimotor Psychotherapy: Level 1 Trauma themes. It was a 6 month training. It changed a lot for me; my awareness of my own body, how I work with my clients, and how I approach therapy. I knew I needed another approach to work within the body. So often in my sessions I would hear from clients that they knew something logically but they just weren’t sure why they didn’t believe it. It dawned on me that believing it was connected to feeling it, embodying it and mind and body being in congruence around it. Sensorimotor Psychotherapy is a bottom up approach. While the resources used in sensorimotor psychotherapy- breathing, centering, grounding are similar to other approaches the way that I work with them is a little different. I also work with posture and movement.

One thing that really stood out for me was differentiating feelings from sensations. You might have been taught about feelings growing up, but most of you were probably not made aware of sensations. Because this is new to most of you, it was to me, I have included a list of common sensations that might help you bring some more awareness into our bodies.

Achy, airy, bloated, blocked, breathless, bubbly, burning, buzzy, chills, churning, clammy, clenched, congested, constricted, cool, cold, damp, dense, dizzy, dull, electric, empty, energized, faint, flaccid, flushed, fluid, fluttery, floaty, fuzzy, goosebumps, heavy, hot, itchy, jerky, jumbly, knotted, light, moist, nauseaous, numb, paralyzed, pins and needles, prickly, puffy, quaking, quivery, radiating, sharp, shivery, shuddering, sore, stiff, suffocating, sweaty, tense, think, tight, tickley, tingly, trembling, twitchy, vibrating, warm, week and wobbly. (Ogden, P. & Fisher, J.,Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, Interventions for Trauma and Attachment)

I work a lot with anxiety. So an example of what someone may be experiencing with anxiety could look like the following. If a client comes in with anxiety they may describe feeling anxious, or nervous. Those are feelings and that is really good awareness. I might ask what sensations go with that anxiety. In general many people do not know or haven’t thought about it. So we take it a step further and I would note that sometimes when I feel anxious my heart starts racing, I may notice a warmth or sweatiness, my stomach might feel like butterflies, fluttering or a knot, sometimes my shoulders feel tight or tense. Once we notice these sensations we can work with them.

What sensations do you notice in your body?

To learn more about working with sensations in the body, contact me (therapist Madison) julie@kullcounselingmadison.com.

Pregnancy after infertility

You have been trying for days, months, maybe even years. Part of you felt that it was never going to happen, maybe you even started to prepare yourself for that and then it does. And maybe you feel some joy, but you might also feel shock, denial or numb. It might not feel real even after you take pregnancy test after pregnancy test. Everyone has advice to give when it comes to getting pregnant when diagnosed with infertility but what happens when you get pregnant after infertility?

Does the infertility diagnosis go away?

No! You are not suddenly cured because you now are pregnant. It doesn’t take away the stress, the longing, the anger, the resentment, how its impacted your mental health or your finances or the impact it had on relationships.

Why do I feel like an imposter?

You may feel like an imposter after getting pregnant. You have wanted to be in this group of pregnant people for so long and now that you are here it doesn’t feel right. You feel like you don’t fit in. Infertility has changed you and changed this narrative you have had about becoming a parent.

Why do I fell guilty?

You may even feel guilty after becoming pregnant. It is common to feel guilty about leaving behind those that are still struggling with infertility. This can be isolating and feel very lonely. If you are feeling like an imposter in the pregnancy group, but also no longer feel like you fit in the infertility groups it can be hard to feel supported.

I am pregnant so I can’t complain.

It is so common for women to feel like if pregnancy is hard or not what they expected that they are allowed to feel this way. You may be telling yourself well this is what I wanted so I can’t complain or you may also be hearing this from others or well you got pregnant what did you expect. Even if you have a very wanted pregnancy that you tried very hard to get, pregnancy is still hard, uncomfortable at times, and not what you expected. Your feelings are VALID!

I don’t feel attached to my pregnancy.

It is common after infertility or a loss to not feel attached right away. This is your protective part telling you this isn’t safe, we need to protect you. For most of you this will grow and develop naturally. If it doesn’t feel like you are slowly starting to develop or that it is feeling more and more real- therapy can help.

I am feeling anxious.

It is common to notice some anxiety or sadness about being pregnant. If you are noticing these frequently or noticing that they are increasing it is important to get help. If you are noticing intrusive thoughts, nightmares or flashbacks there is help.

To learn more about infertility counseling in Madison or anywhere in Wisconsin or to set up your free 15 minute consultation you can reach me here for a therapist Madison.

Meditation for miscarriage, pregnancy after loss and new moms

I remember trying to meditate for the first time. I made every excuse in the book to avoid it. I convinced myself that I did not have time, convinced myself that it wasn’t a good use of my time, that I wasn’t doing it right so what was the point. It took YEARS until I developed a regular practice and it is still a work in progress.

Meditation has so many unbelievable benefits. According to Positive Psychology.com , meditation can reduce physical, mental and emotional disturbances. This can include anxiety, depression, pain, blood pressure, stress, migraines, IBS, ect. Meditation can be so effective.

So if it is so great, why isn’t everyone doing it? What I hear often is that it is hard, you may think you are doing it wrong and if you are doing it wrong what is the point? Other reasons can include you may feel uncomfortable, overwhelmed or don’t want to feel anything.

All of the reasons are valid. I like to invite my clients to start small. Try to take one minute everyday where you just try to tune into your body and breath and go from there. Many of you may find it is easier to do when you have someone guiding you. I certainly do! There are meditations everywhere it seems but finding one that resonates with you is important.

Recently I have created some meditations with you in mind. My library is building slowly but I currently have meditations for miscarriage, pregnancy after loss and motherhood. I will be adding more soon. If you are looking for a specific meditation that is a fit for you please- DM me, reply to this newsletter and let me know what you are looking for and I will do my best to make that available to you.

Interested in learning more about the meditations from a therapist Madison? Click here.

Happy Meditating!

The emotional toll of a Missed Miscarriage

Having a miscarriage can be devastating. You may know signs and symptoms to look for  when your body may be starting the process of miscarriage and look for those throughout the first trimester. However, you may not know  that you can suffer a loss, but the body may not show signs of a miscarriage. This is referred to as a missed miscarriage.

Having a missed miscarriage can add an extra layer to the grief and trauma around early pregnancy loss. According to www.progny.com, “A missed miscarriage, also known as a missed abortion or a silent miscarriage, occurs when a fetus is no longer alive, but the body does not recognize the pregnancy loss or expel the pregnancy tissue. As a result, the placenta may continue to release hormones, so you may continue to experience signs of pregnancy.” A missed miscarriage can be devastating when there has not been any symptoms, and often, these symptoms may be typical of a healthy pregnancy - i.e., fatigue, nausea, etc. For most of you, you will find out about missed miscarriages when you go into your doctor’s office for your first appointment. One of the happiest days of your life (when you get to see your baby for the first time) can quickly turn to one of your saddest (finding out your baby is no longer alive).

For many carrying partners this can feel like your body has failed you, twice. Once, that your body was not able to carry a baby to term, and twice, because if your pregnancy was to end in a miscarriage why did your body not do this naturally? This can lead to a strong mistrust in your body that may lead to abuse or neglect of yourself. This also can present in a subsequent pregnancy causing anxiety and depression or ptsd. It can feel like your body is not a safe place for a healthy pregnancy after a missed miscarriage.

Having a missed miscarriage also leads you to what can be a difficult and painful decision of deciding how to manage the miscarriage process. While some people will wait to see if their body can complete the miscarriage on its own, most doctors will encourage you to schedule an intervention to manage the miscarriage process for health concerns.

After a decision has been made it can still be weeks to months to complete the process and symptoms of pregnancy may linger for months after that.

It is common to feel many different things, some common ones being shock, anger, denial, grief, shame, jealousy. You may feel a loss of control. It can be helpful to get connected to support during a missed miscarriage whether that is a support group, or a therapist that can help you talk through your decision, feelings and support you through the process and after a loss. Having a miscarriage can be isolating, finding support can make a huge difference.

Finding ways to be present in your body can be an important part of your process. Whether this is through grounding, centering, breathe work or exercise, movement or dance, it is important to be in your body and find healthy ways to reconnect with your body.

For more resources on miscarriage and to learn about the miscarriage support group with a therapist Madison, sign up for my monthly newsletter here. https://www.kullcounselingmadison.com/

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month

In 1988 Ronald Reagan declared October as Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month http://nationalshare.org/october-awareness/

“When a child loses a parent, they are called orphans.

When a spouse loses a partner, they are called a widow or widower.

When a parent loses a child, their is not a word to describe them.” -Ronald Reagan

Every October we take a moment to honor babies gone too soon. For many this may be a very difficult time of year, but can also be a time of year for healing.

Here in Madison we are fortunate to have some great resources for those who have suffered pregnancy or infant loss.

October 2- Lunch and Learn about Pregnancy after a loss at Madison Area Parents Support

11:30-12:30 p.m.

Psychotherapist Julie C Kull, LCSW will lead a lunch and learn discussing education and coping skills for pregnancy after loss.

https://www.madisonareaparentsupport.org/calendar

402 E Washington Avenue at MAPS Base Camp

October 3- Kull Counseling Miscarriage Support Group

5:30-6:45 p.m.

This support group is run by psychotherapist Julie C Kull, LCSW. The purpose of this group is to provide a safe place to share your loss and connect with others in the early loss community. We will be painting rocks to honor your babies in October.

720 Hill Street, Madison, WI

To register contact Julie at 608.239.4807 or julie@kullcounselingmadison.com

October 17- Bereaved Parents of Madison Support Group

7:30pm (Doors open at 7:20pm)
St Mary's Hospital in Conference Bay 4
700 South Park Street 
Madison, WI

October 19- Remembrance Day hosted by Mikayla’s Grace

“This Remembrance Day is to honor families who have lost babies through pregnancy, stillbirth, or in early infancy. This 9th Annual Forever in Our Hearts Remembrance Day is being planned by local bereaved parents and Madison area non-profit Mikayla's Grace.”

BTC Events in Fitchburg, WI

What to expect at the miscarriage support group

I often get asked about the free monthly miscarriage support group so I thought I would take the opportunity to share a little Q & A about what you can expect if you are thinking about attending.

When and where does the group meet?

The group meets the first Thursday of every month from 5:30 p.m. to 6:45 p.m. at 720 Hill Street.

Why do I need to register and how do I register?

I do ask that everyone registers in advance. This lets me know how many I can expect so that we will have enough people to make a group. I know how hard it can be to get the courage to come in for a group and if we do not have more than one participant than we cannot hold a group that month. I also ask that you register so that I can send you a few questions to make sure that the group would be a good fit for you. You can register by emailing julie@kullcounselingmadison.com or calling 608.239.4807.

What is the purpose of the group?

The purpose of the group is to find support and connect with others that have been through a miscarriage.

What can I expect at the group?

You can expect a relaxed atmosphere and an inviting space. I usually start the discussion with a few reminders, an introduction and sometimes a quote or intention. I invite everyone to talk when they are ready to. It is not a requirement that you participate but I find that most people are ready to share when they come. I keep the group small so that is not overwhelming. You may not be in the exact same place as others but more than likely you will find that you have some things in common with the other participants. If the group happens to fall near a holiday or a due date we often discuss these and ideas on how to cope.

Is the group religion based?

No. Everyone is welcome. Everyone is also welcome to share their beliefs as it pertains to their loss. We respect that people have different beliefs.

How much does the group cost?

Nothing! This group is free of charge. I want everyone to be able to access it.

Who is appropriate for this group?

Anyone who has had a loss before the 20th week of pregnancy.

Can my partner come?

Yes partners are welcome.

What can I do if I have more questions?

If you have questions or would like to register please contact Julie at julie@kullcounselingmadison.com or 608-239-4807.

Anxiety and Infertility

1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility. Infertility is a disease that carries a lot of stigma. If you are going through infertility, it is common that you may be feeling: shame, loss of control, detached from your body, sad, angry, emotional, depressed, and even anxious.

Anxiety is common when going through infertility.

In Rewiring your Anxious Brain, by Catherine M. Pittman, PHD and Elizabeth M. Karle, MILS, you learn that anxiety can come from the cortex or the amygdala. The anxiety that develops in the cortex, is the anxiety that you interpret; the “what ifs”. What if you never get pregnant? What if you never become a parent? What if you do get pregnant and lose the baby? What if infertility ruins your relationship?

In addition, these thoughts are usually accompanied by physiological symptoms. This is anxiety that comes from the amygdala. Anxiety that comes from the amygdala is the physical sensations and anxiety of past experiences. This type of anxiety contains the triggers and associations. Examples include feeling anxious every time you see a pregnancy test because it was negative before and that caused anxiety. Also, anxiety about going to the doctors office because the last time you were there you got bad news.

Anxiety symptoms can include, but are not limited to, racing thoughts, rapid heartbeat, sweaty or clammy hands, upset stomach or butterflies, tight muscles, inability to focus, feeling lightheaded, and dizziness. Everyone experiences anxiety, as it is our body’s coping mechanism for danger. It is when there is no danger and our body still goes into the fight/flight/freeze mode that it starts impacting our functioning in life and becomes an anxiety disorder.

Stress is a common trigger for anxiety. If you are going through infertility this can be a stressful time in your life. Infertility treatments can also be emotionally and physically stressful. If you are feeling anxious you do not have to let it control you.

Here are some ways to deal with your anxiety:

1. Exercise - When you exercise you can lower the baseline for your anxiety so that it doesn’t peak every time you start to notice your symptoms of anxiety. Exercise is also great when you are feeling anxious. When your body goes into fight, flight or freeze mode your body sends energy to the parts of the body that you need to either fight or flee, when you exercise you can use up that excess energy allowing your body to get the message that you are no longer in danger.

2. Breath - If you are feeling anxious one of the best things that you can do is start to take some deep breaths and start to notice your breath. When your body is in the fight or flight mode our breathing becomes quicker to get more oxygen into the parts of our body preparing to fight or flee. When you start to slow down your breath your body gets the message that you are no longer in danger.

3. Take charge of what you are in control of - If you are going through infertility, it can be easy to feel out of control. Write down your anxious thoughts. In one column, put those thoughts that you have control over. In the other column, put those thoughts that you do not have control over. Take the list that you have control over and work on those things. Rip up the other list.

4. Say no - It can be very difficult some days to be facing infertility. You do not have to go to every baby shower or every kid’s birthday party. You do not have to join in on every holiday. You get to decide what you can handle that day. You do not have to listen to people’s advice or tips on how they got pregnant. It is okay to say no and to set boundaries.

5. Be kind to yourself - Going through infertility is not easy. It is very important that you treat yourself kindly through the process-self affirmations, self care, mediation, support groups, counseling. These are all great ways to show yourself kindness through this difficult journey.

   If you are struggling with infertility and anxiety you are not alone. Please contact Kull Counseling, LLC to learn more about coping with anxiety during infertility. 608.239.4807 or julie@kullcounselingmadison.com