October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month 2020

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. For me it is the time of year that I think about the baby that I lost through miscarriage. October is the month that I found out I was pregnant. I told my husband by buying pumpkins. One for him, one for our daughter, one for me and a tiny pumpkin to let him know we had a new pumpkin on the way. It was such a happy moment and I remember it so vividly even though it was 6 years ago now. Even though I know it is coming every year I am still surprised by it every year. This year it came early. My rainbow baby pointed to a small pumpkin the other day on our walk and said, “oh mom, look how cute this baby pumpkin” is.

Do you have moments like this? A memory or object that bring up thoughts of your baby?

This month is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. This year is Covid-19. Usually it is a month filled of events that help you by bringing together a community of families that hold their babies in their hearts instead of their hands. This year that will look different. I have included a list of some virtual events in the Madison area. I know this year may be difficult for you because community can be such an important part of your healing journey. Please know that even though we are not able to gather in person, there is still a community here to support you.

OCTOBER:

1st: Miscarriage support group - The free monthly miscarriage support group will meeting virtually on October 1st from 5 - 6:15 p.m. Please email julie@kullcounselingmadison.com to register.

3rd: 10 a.m. CST: Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep virtual walk

The Virtual Walk includes an online presentation with readings, music, and speakers to honor your baby. During the presentation, each baby is honored by having his or her name read aloud.

Also the 3rd: Harley’s Hustle virtual 5k Set your course, set your pace, and just run. Share your pictures by tagging @HarleysHustle on social media.

8th: 6:30 p.m. GPS Hope Janesville (2nd Thursday)

12th: 5:30 - 7 p.m. Bo's Heavenly Clubhouse Support Meetings at Higher Grounds Coffee Shop in Beaver Dam (2nd Monday)

15th - 18th: Forever In Our Hearts Remembrance Day: Join by creating a sense of community and support found at in-person walks. There are many ways to join this event - purchase a yard sign, walk in your community, watch a video of the names of babies being remembered this year, and so on.

26th: 5:30 - 7 p.m. Bo's Heavenly Clubhouse Support Meetings at Higher Grounds Coffee Shop in Beaver Dam (4th Monday)

For more information on miscarriage or the above events email julie@kullcounselingmadison.com or 608.239.4807.

Pregnancy after a loss meditation script

Being pregnant after a loss can come with an increase of anxiety. Meditation can be a great way to get in your body, become aware of how you feel, and to stay present. Recently I recorded a meditation which can be found on the pregnancy after loss page on my website.

Here is the script:

Pregnancy after loss meditation-

I invite you to get into a comfortable position either with your feet on the floor or lying down. Rest your hands by your side or in your lap and begin to close your eyes.

Today we are going to be talking about pregnancy after a loss. There are many thoughts that can come up for those pregnant after a loss.

I invite you today to acknowledge your thoughts and just notice them, without judgment.  Our thoughts are not facts.

There is no wrong way to meditate. Meditation takes practice and it is okay if your mind wanders, if you notice your thoughts wandering simply let them go and bring your awareness back to your breath.

We will begin by bringing awareness into the breath. Inhale to the count of 3 and exhale to the count of 4. If at any moment today something feels uncomfortable in your body please skip it. We will continue to breath in to the count of 3 and out to the count of 4 bringing attention to our breath.

Breath in and out

In and out

We will begin by bringing awareness into our body. Starting by bringing awareness into our head, notice how your forehead, your eyes, your mouth, your cheeks your ears are feeling, notice any sensations without judgment.

Now bring your awareness down your head to your neck and shoulders, simply noticing how you are feeling.

Now draw your attention to your chest and back and simply notice. Continue to breath into the count of 3 out to the count of 4.

Bring your awareness into your arms and then your hands. Notice if they feel heavy, light, warm or cold. Simply notice how they are feeling at this very moment.

Continue down your body now into your lower back, stomach and hips noticing any sensations. Continue traveling down into your legs and toes continuing to breath and notice any sensations.

Take a deep breath in through you head and breath out through your toes.

We will now return to our heart and our stomach. If it feels okay to you bring one hand to your heart and another to your belly.

Continue to breath in to the count of 3 and out to the count of 4.

Bring breath and awareness to your heart and your belly. Your body is strong. Your body can grow a healthy baby. You can hold love in your heart for both your loss and for the new baby growing inside of you.

Whatever emotions you are feeling inside or okay. Emotions are not good or bad, they just simply are. Notice your emotions without judgment and bring your awareness back to your breath.

Continue to breath. If you have an intention for your pregnancy you can say it silently now.

As we start to return now to the room know that your baby is loved, that your body is strong and capable of caring for this baby.

Know that meditation is available whenever you need it. You can return to these feelings of calm whenever you need to.

I will count back from 5 and then we will return to the room.

5, 4, 3 begin to bring movement back to your body, 2 bring awareness back to the room 1 open your eyes.

For more information about pregnancy after a loss please contact Kull Counseling, LLC at 608.239.4807 or julie@kullcounselingmadison.com

Resources for Pregnancy after a Loss in Madison, Wisconsin - Doula

For this month’s blog post I wanted to take this opportunity to talk to you about how a doula can help with the birth process. It is common when you’re pregnant after a loss to feel an increased amount of anxiety about giving birth. A doula can help with the emotional and physical side of labor.

For this article I interviewed Alli Ryan from Lumos

Julie: So Alli what is a doula?

Alli: A doula provides physical, emotional and informational support. Most folks think that is just to a pregnant person thats giving birth but a doula can extend into birth and postpartum. At a birth we may help you with coping strategies, with positions, we’re going to help you with if your planning a hospital birth so we can navigate some of the hospital systems stuff and know what are your choices, but we can do those same things in pregnancy. We are not medical care providers we don’t give medical advice. We are not midwives- midwives are medical and emotional. As our doula our role is just informational, physical and emotional support.

Julie: How can you help support someone that pregnant after a loss?

Alli: Leaning into that emotional support peace. All people come into birth with a story and sometimes you know what your story is because you have had early pregnancy loss or loss at any point so those emotions are really big. It is finding a safe space. The hormone in labor is oxytocin and oxytocin is the hormone of feeling safe and supported. The way our brain is structured the fear hormones actually compete with our labor hormones. To be able to have someone to set you up to feel safe in not only pregnancy but labor really does allow those hormones to flow a little bit better. It is someone that understands you. We can help you move the staff through so you don’t have to tell your story over and over again. We help you to know what your options are. There can be options available specific to pregnancy after loss such as labor positions that might bring up a lot of feelings for you. We find their are stages along the way like oh I did not realize I had put a lot of energy into getting past 20 weeks or in that ultrasound in our last pregnancy is when things got hard. It is helping you move through some of those milestones. Usually folks that want doula support want all of their feelings honored. They also want information, support and facts.

Julie: Are their commonalities that you see in the labor and delivery room for people pregnant after a loss?

Alli: Moving through pregnancy their are these milestones that you have to get through like I knew I was going to have a hard time getting through that. We can help you think about those things ahead of time, move through those things and coming up with a plan. Sometimes I will find early labor can feel like some of those sensations of an early pregnancy loss and so having a person you can call and say I am having really hard feelings, we aren’t necessarily going to be there to fix them and this is where mental health providers can help with tools but we can be those safe people to help remind you of what your tools are when all of that kind of goes out the window. We can help you bring in your past losses so if you named your babies or put some sort of energy or labels or icons or symbols or teddy bears we can normalize that. That is very normal. It is very normal to help you feel connection in those experiences.

I also think most folks don’t understand how hard the postpartum is.

There can be a big huge wave of grief that comes in waves because you start to realize what you lost in a way that is like in your arms. Their can be a lot of complicated feelings. To lean into the support team that you have created, those are all really important things to do.

Julie: That’s such a good point. I also feel that people are hesitant to have a doula in the room because they are very private and it can be hard enough to be in front of your medical team. Can you speak to that?

Alli: We hear that from a lot from all folks not just from people pregnant after a loss. What we hear now is that a doula actually hear that a doula helps keep things private. We aren’t a stranger thats a weirdo in the room. We’ve also been to a lot of births. If you guys need us to disappear for a while because you need a moment we are going to know that without you even saying it and we are going to kind of blend into the background. We’re also going to in particular in a hospital environment we are going to help that hospital feel more private. We may be able to communicate to stay hey they are just going to have a little time together and can we keep folks out and help you ask for that as a patient. Advocate for what you need. Helping that environment feel like your nest, this is your experience and not a sterile hospital room. There are simple things we can do like turning down the lights and bringing twinkle lights and having is smell different and thinking about your music. But there is also a lot that just comes with our presence a doula in and of itself is a communication tool that we want this labor to take into account our emotions. We want it to feel like an individual experience. We want to understand what is happening around us and we want support. Just having a doula present makes that experience a little more private.

Julie: Do you want to speak why you are interested in working with pregnancy after loss?

Alli: I had been a doula for a couple of years, my husband and I hadn’t had any complications getting pregnant. We seemed to get pregnant very easily but we weren’t able to stay pregnant very easily. My big rainbow, we use the terminology rainbow at our house, pregnancy after loss, was born and then got pregnant again and then almost term we had our daughter who was born via stillbirth. She is a huge part of our life, her name is Vivian and pretty quickly realized that was going to transform the birth work and postpartum work that I was already doing. So I come to doula work in a way that is believing and trusting that people can figure out there way through it but that we need support to figure our own way through. I don’t come with this perspective of this is how I did it, I come with the perspective that is more I understand how hard this is to do this, there are a lot of great professionals in our community that can understand that whether or not they have had loss, I can understand it in a way that is a little bit different. So, right it transformed my work as a doula and then really did. We also went onto to have another brother, so another rainbow and my work was transformed.

Julie: Thank you for sharing that and willing to be vulnerable. If someone is interested in working with you how can they get in contact with you?

Alli: So I own a business called Lumos you can go to our website at welcometolumos.com. We work with other doulas all who have some level of experience working with all different sorts of families of shapes and sizes. Those that have experienced loss as well.

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month

In 1988 Ronald Reagan declared October as Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month http://nationalshare.org/october-awareness/

“When a child loses a parent, they are called orphans.

When a spouse loses a partner, they are called a widow or widower.

When a parent loses a child, their is not a word to describe them.” -Ronald Reagan

Every October we take a moment to honor babies gone too soon. For many this may be a very difficult time of year, but can also be a time of year for healing.

Here in Madison we are fortunate to have some great resources for those who have suffered pregnancy or infant loss.

October 2- Lunch and Learn about Pregnancy after a loss at Madison Area Parents Support

11:30-12:30 p.m.

Psychotherapist Julie C Kull, LCSW will lead a lunch and learn discussing education and coping skills for pregnancy after loss.

https://www.madisonareaparentsupport.org/calendar

402 E Washington Avenue at MAPS Base Camp

October 3- Kull Counseling Miscarriage Support Group

5:30-6:45 p.m.

This support group is run by psychotherapist Julie C Kull, LCSW. The purpose of this group is to provide a safe place to share your loss and connect with others in the early loss community. We will be painting rocks to honor your babies in October.

720 Hill Street, Madison, WI

To register contact Julie at 608.239.4807 or julie@kullcounselingmadison.com

October 17- Bereaved Parents of Madison Support Group

7:30pm (Doors open at 7:20pm)
St Mary's Hospital in Conference Bay 4
700 South Park Street 
Madison, WI

October 19- Remembrance Day hosted by Mikayla’s Grace

“This Remembrance Day is to honor families who have lost babies through pregnancy, stillbirth, or in early infancy. This 9th Annual Forever in Our Hearts Remembrance Day is being planned by local bereaved parents and Madison area non-profit Mikayla's Grace.”

BTC Events in Fitchburg, WI

5 things no one tells you about a miscarriage

A miscarriage is defined as the loss of a pregnancy before 20 weeks. It is estimated that 1 in 5 women will have a miscarriage. While many women have a miscarriage, it still remains a taboo subject, and can be very isolating for a woman to go through. 

5 things no one tells you about a miscarriage:

1.  It is a major loss - Going through a miscarriage is a major loss; whether you were 4 weeks pregnant or 20 weeks pregnant. Every woman has a different reaction and experience with miscarriage, and needs time to process and grieve what they have gone through.

2. The physical process can last weeks, if not months - Some women will miscarry at home while others will require medical interventions. Miscarriages can last weeks before they are completed. Because hormones are in the body some woman can continue to experience pregnancy symptoms such as nausea and weight gain. Once a miscarriage has completed it can take months for a woman's body to acknowledge they are no longer pregnant.

3. The mental process can last longer - Miscarriages are tough to deal with and can make you feel alone. People will try their best to support you and help you through your miscarriage, but may not understand what you are experiencing. In addition many people do not feel comfortable discussing having a miscarriage, which can make it feel isolating when you are experiencing one.

4. Your partner's grief will be different than yours -  It can be difficult to understand how your spouse or significant other feels.  Everyone experiences grief differently. While your grief can be different it is still possible to support each other. Open communication is key in understanding your partners grief.

5. It's okay to want to try again - Medical providers have different recommendations on when you can start trying again. Some for medical reasons and others for emotional/mental readiness. No one can tell you when you will feel ready to try again. It is something that each person will have to assess for herself. 

Each person's experience with miscarriage is completely unique and there is no "right way" to process grief. Not every person that experiences a miscarriage will need extra support, but if you feel like you need support through a miscarriage please contact Kull Counseling, LLC at 608.239.4807 or julie@kullcounselingmadison.com.