Bereaved Mother's Day 2024

Whether you identify as a mother, a bereaved mother, or as having a loss this is a time of year to honor you. The first Sunday in May is Bereaved Mother’s Day. Here are some events locally in Wisconsin or Nationally virtual.

-Hosted by Bereaved Together

• Saturday, May 5th Conference

  10 AM - 3 PM

  Location: Fox River Christian Church

  24130 Lawnsdale Rd, Waukesha, WI 53189

  Sunday, May 5, Bereaved Mother’s Day Brunch

  10 AM - 2 PM

  Location: Terrace 167

  3210 WI-167, Richfield, WI 5307

  -David Kessler is hosting When You're a Mother Grieving a Child

  Sunday, May 5, 2024, 12 pm PT/ 3:00 pm ET

  https://www.davidkesslertraining.com/mothers-day

  Bereaved Parents of Madison-

  Is hosting a few events in May to honor Mother’s or Parents. For more information click here

For more information on loss or to work with me email julie@kullcounselingmadison.com.

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In Search of Support: Finding the Right Therapist in Madison

Therapy can be a lot of things- challenging, interesting, and enlightening. You might even say life changing. The benefits of therapy can go well beyond you, the individual or couple that are the clients. It tends to have a ripple effect often impacting your relationship with kids, family members, friends and coworkers. It can impact how you see yourself, how you approach relationships and how to care for yourself. Therapy can help to break old patterns, even ones that didn’t start with you. It can help you have a better understanding of your though patterns, behaviors and how you respond in situations.

I specialize in working with women in reproductive and maternal mental health as a perinatal therapist in Madison. Many times a good chunk of our time is focused around the parent reparenting themselves. Many of you may want to do better for your children, but do not think to do better for yourself. One of your best teaching tools is the example that you set for your kids. If they see you regulating when you’re having big emotions, modeling how to talk about your emotions and handle conflict, how to take care of yourself, set boundaries, and speak up for yourself. If you model how to make mistakes, and how to make a repair in a relationship when you do make mistakes.

Initiating the therapy process can be hard, but it doesn’t have to be impossible.

Interested in learning more about therapy in Madison and finding your inner peace? Contact julie@kullcounselingmadison.com. If I am not the right fit for you, I will try to help you find a therapist that is.

Am I a mother after a miscarriage?

As we near the month of May, two dates stand out each year. The first is Bereaved Mother’s Day, which is the first Sunday of the month and the second is Mother’s Day which is the second Sunday of the month.

Each year I have at least one client in my office that wonders, “am I a mother”. Having an early loss (before 20 weeks of gestation) can feel confusing of what that means. For many of you that is not a question that is easily answered.

Some of you may identify with being a mother or being a bereaved mother, but for others you may not. This idea of motherhood often is a label that people get stuck on because you may not identify as a mother but you also not identify as a bereaved mother, but it may also feel like you are not not a mother. The idea of motherhood or being a parent may also evolve for you as you process and grieve your loss.

However you identify is okay, it can be less isolating to go through loss with others and find a group of people that you identify with but whether you identify as a mother, parent, bereaved mother, or person that had a miscarriage is okay. And their might be a group for that. Please know that even if you don’t identify as a bereaved parent, it is still okay to look for support in these communities if you feel like it is a fit for you. It is important to just show up for yourself during this month. Notice what it brings up for you and if you would like support with what you went through. For more information on pregnancy loss or to work with a therapist in Madison contact me here.

How to survive the the first 1-3 months with a new baby from a therapist in Madison

Having a newborn baby can be life changing. It is common to have mixed emotions and not feel prepared. Having a newborn can be a very challenging time. Here are some tips that can be helpful from what I have learned working with postpartum moms/parents.

Self care- Self care is ever evolving and what you may need one day may not be what you need the next day. It is good to have options to make sure you are getting some sort of self care each day. Self care can be many different things- embracing your creative side, reading a book, calling a support person, getting enough food to eat, getting some movement, getting outside, sitting quietly or meditation. Self care can take all different forms. It is important to remember yourself through all of this and continue to support your needs as well as you baby’s needs. It is okay to say no. If you aren’t up for a visitor or you would not like your mother in law to move in for the first 2 weeks- it is okay to say no, it is important to listen to what you need.

Lower expectations- having a baby can be wonderful. It can also be exhausting, boring, and challenging. It is okay to not love being a parent every moment of every day. If you find that you are not feeling any joy or do not feel connected to your baby click here. But if you have moments of joy and moments that you are not enjoying the newborn phase it is okay to take the pressure off that you have to love being a parent every moment of every day. Lowering expectations can also refer to the amount of things you want to get done in a day or what you thought this phase might look like.

Get into a routine- And no I am not referring to a big schedule that has you up at 5 a.m., working out at 6 a.m. and then making breakfast. I am referring to a more simplified routine. Between baby’s morning naps would you like to get in some movement, or get something to eat or is this a good time to get in some extra sleep for yourself. While at this stage when your baby will nap is largely out of control, but it can help to do a loose plan for the in between times or just picking one thing you want to get done each day. It can also help with feeling like yourself again to take a shower and get dressed each day when you are able to.

Build a community- I am sure you have all heard the quote- “it takes a village”. While you do not need an entire village to raise a baby, it is nice to have help and support around you. It can be important to connect with other new parents and it is nice to know who you can call or text when you just need someone to talk to. A community does not have to be just family and friends. It can be providers that support you- your doctor/midwife, your therapist, your pediatrician. All of these people are part of your community and part of your support team.

Be flexible- When you have a baby you do all kinds of planning. You plan for childcare and what the baby might need, you plan a room and where they will sleep. You plan what kind of parent you may be and what you might need from your partner if you have one. And then you have the baby and many of those lovely plans were not what you need. Something I hear over and over again from new moms is they had no idea what these first few weeks would be like. A baby is not going to fit into neat plans. Having a baby requires constant flexibility. Needs are constantly changing and it requires a lot of reassessing and pivoting on what is working for you and what is working for baby.

Ask for help- Do not hesitate to ask for help. Whether you have a question for your OBGYN or you Pediatrician- they are there to help. You are not bothering them. As a new parent you are not expected to be an expert at parenting. If you have questions ask. If you need support from a therapist Madison or a lactation consult or a postpartum doula, ask for help. If you need help at home or family support- ask for help.

For more information on Postpartum care or a therapist Madison contact julie@kullcounselingmadison.com.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month: Your guide to resources from a therapist in Madison

“A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. There is no word for a parent who loses a child. That’s how awful the loss is.”

— Ronald Reagan

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Here are some local events around Madison, WI to honor the babies gone too soon. At the end of the list are some options for ongoing virtual support on a national level.

October 6th- Fundraiser at Octopi Brewing Company for the Hope and Loss Clinic

October 7th- Forever in our Hearts Remembrance Day Walk and Ceremony

October 8th- Morning Coffee with the Alana Rose Foundation

October 11th 12-1 p.m. Free Miscarriage virtual Support group hosted by Julie from Kull Counseling (therapist Madison)

October 12th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day - Advocate Aurora Oshkosh 2023 5-7 p.m.

October 15th Wave of Light at 7 p.m.

October 19th 6:30-8:30 p.m. The Bereaved Parents of Madison Hosts and in person support group

Other virtual options for support include Postpartum International and Return to Zero.

For more information about local support for Pregnancy or Infant Loss in Wisconsin. Email Julie C Kull, LCSW.

Exploring Sensations in our body from a therapist in Madison

In 2021 I took a training called Sensorimotor Psychotherapy: Level 1 Trauma themes. It was a 6 month training. It changed a lot for me; my awareness of my own body, how I work with my clients, and how I approach therapy. I knew I needed another approach to work within the body. So often in my sessions I would hear from clients that they knew something logically but they just weren’t sure why they didn’t believe it. It dawned on me that believing it was connected to feeling it, embodying it and mind and body being in congruence around it. Sensorimotor Psychotherapy is a bottom up approach. While the resources used in sensorimotor psychotherapy- breathing, centering, grounding are similar to other approaches the way that I work with them is a little different. I also work with posture and movement.

One thing that really stood out for me was differentiating feelings from sensations. You might have been taught about feelings growing up, but most of you were probably not made aware of sensations. Because this is new to most of you, it was to me, I have included a list of common sensations that might help you bring some more awareness into our bodies.

Achy, airy, bloated, blocked, breathless, bubbly, burning, buzzy, chills, churning, clammy, clenched, congested, constricted, cool, cold, damp, dense, dizzy, dull, electric, empty, energized, faint, flaccid, flushed, fluid, fluttery, floaty, fuzzy, goosebumps, heavy, hot, itchy, jerky, jumbly, knotted, light, moist, nauseaous, numb, paralyzed, pins and needles, prickly, puffy, quaking, quivery, radiating, sharp, shivery, shuddering, sore, stiff, suffocating, sweaty, tense, think, tight, tickley, tingly, trembling, twitchy, vibrating, warm, week and wobbly. (Ogden, P. & Fisher, J.,Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, Interventions for Trauma and Attachment)

I work a lot with anxiety. So an example of what someone may be experiencing with anxiety could look like the following. If a client comes in with anxiety they may describe feeling anxious, or nervous. Those are feelings and that is really good awareness. I might ask what sensations go with that anxiety. In general many people do not know or haven’t thought about it. So we take it a step further and I would note that sometimes when I feel anxious my heart starts racing, I may notice a warmth or sweatiness, my stomach might feel like butterflies, fluttering or a knot, sometimes my shoulders feel tight or tense. Once we notice these sensations we can work with them.

What sensations do you notice in your body?

To learn more about working with sensations in the body, contact me (therapist Madison) julie@kullcounselingmadison.com.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness 2022

“I carry your heart with me, I am never without it.” - E.E. Cummings

October is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month. October 15th is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness day. So many emotions come up this time of year. Some of you may be apprehensive every year as fall approaches- you may notice feeling more irritable and having less capacity for other things. For some of you this may be a time of peace-peace in remembering your loved one and reconnection. For others this may bring up fear or anxiety. For others this may be a time of deep sadness and grief. However you are feeling about this month or day is okay. For those of you looking for a way to engage with others that have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss here are some options.

October

1st: Harley’s Hustle in person or virtual. Monroe, WI

2nd: Sunday, October 2nd, Forever in our Hearts Remembrance Day. Madison, WI

6th: Free virtual miscarriage support group October 6th. Madison, WI hosted by Julie Kull, LCSW (therapist Madison).

15th: 7 p.m. your local time on October 15th, Wave of light. Light a candle at 7 p.m. to honor your baby. Nationally

20th: October 20th, 7:30 p.m. Bereaved Parents of Madison virtual support group. Madison, WI

To learn more about the miscarriage support group click here.

How therapy can help after a miscarriage

It is estimated that 1 in 4 women will have a miscarriage. You may be feeling like if it is so common that you “should” be able to deal with it on your own or that it will not impact you or maybe even that it isn’t a big deal. For most people it is a big deal and it can be pretty hard to cope with.

Statistics suggest that 30-50% of women experience anxiety and 10-15 percent experience depression up to 4 months following a loss according to FIGO.

NIHR discusses a study that found 1 in 3 women show signs of PTSD after a miscarriage.

So why is this important? We know that the mental health of the mother can greatly impact the child even in pregnancy. Their are many studies that discuss the impact of the mental well being of the mom in pregnancy and the long term impact it may have on the child’s physical, emotional and cognitive development. Many women will become pregnant again soon after a miscarriage but long before anxiety and/or depression symptoms have subsided. While it is common to think getting pregnant again after a loss will decrease anxiety it often does not. Seeking therapy after a miscarriage can impact your ability to cope and decrease anxiety/depression in subsequent pregnancy.

How can therapy help?

Normalize- Many of the feelings you may be feeling are common for those that have had a miscarriage. Knowing that your feelings are okay and that there are ways to cope. Knowing that it is hard to have a miscarriage, that women do seek therapy and sometimes medication after a loss and that most people do not just “get over it”, even if it is common.

Validate- I am just going to say it- people are sooo uncomfortable with grief. You may be finding it really hard to express your feelings with family and friends. This can be even harder with a pregnancy loss that it can be when losing a friend or a grandparent. Often the people in your life may have not had an attachment or even known about the pregnancy before. It can be hard for people to relate to what we call an ambiguous loss. It can be really healing to have your feelings acknowledged and validated.

Help you to identify healthy ways to cope with grief- Unfortunately trying again or gods willing it or at least you know you can get pregnant are not the kind of healthy ways you need to deal with grief. But, acknowledging your feelings, finding support, creating a container for your grief, nurturing yourself, honoring your loss, making meaning and acceptance can be.

Set boundaries and ask for what you need in relationship- If you are in a relationship you probably are already starting to realize that you are your partner are grieving this differently. This also applies to family members that may need a gentle reminder on what you need to feel supported or the acknowledgement that this person in your life might not have the ability to support you through this for whatever reason and ouch can that really hurt.

Understand the grief and trauma around pregnancy loss- Understanding a framework for grief and what you have or might experience can help. Looking at your loss and understanding the trauma that can be experienced can also be really helpful in understanding how it has impacted you and what makes it difficult to process. Working with those triggers, increasing your window of tolerance and helping you to feel more regulated can make a difference.

If you still aren’t sure..find out more or schedule a free 15 minute consult here with a therapist Madison.

The 6th stage of grief: finding meaning

David Kessler recently identified the sixth stage of grief as finding meaning in your loss. Kessler states, “meaning comes through finding a way to sustain your love for the person after their death while you’re moving forward with your life. Loss is simply what happens to you in life. Meaning is what you make happen.”

This concept of finding meaning in grief has been around for much longer. In the 1980’s Miles Model for Parental Grief describes the search for meaning as part of the reorganization phase of grief.

If you have experienced a pregnancy loss meaning making can be an important part of your grief process. In this article you will learn what meaning making is and ways to make meaning of your loss.

The concept of meaning making simply put is finding meaning around why this loss happened to you. No one wishes for a loss or is glad that it has happened but many of you may find some peace in finding purpose.

Here are 3 ways to make meaning in your grief:

1. Volunteer- some parents of loss have started non profits, other parents volunteer at organizations that support bereaved parents. Some of you may donate time or money.

   Local organizations: Mikayla’s Grace and Bereaved Parents of Madison both accept volunteers at different times of the year.

2. Advocate- some bereaved parents find meaning in advocating for policies that impact bereaved parents and infant and pregnancy loss.

3. Education/reducing stigma- Some of you may also find meaning making in educating others or reducing stigma by talking or writing about your loss. This may be in your social circles, on a social media platform, speaking at public events or writing news articles or blog posts.

If you have experienced a loss has meaning making been an important part of your grief? How have you found ways to make meaning of your loss? To learn more about stages of grief and pregnancy loss or to sign up for a free 15 minute phone consultation you can contact me here to work with a therapist Madison.

Pictured above, dropping off donations from Mikayla’s Grace to a local Nicu.

Pregnancy after infertility

You have been trying for days, months, maybe even years. Part of you felt that it was never going to happen, maybe you even started to prepare yourself for that and then it does. And maybe you feel some joy, but you might also feel shock, denial or numb. It might not feel real even after you take pregnancy test after pregnancy test. Everyone has advice to give when it comes to getting pregnant when diagnosed with infertility but what happens when you get pregnant after infertility?

Does the infertility diagnosis go away?

No! You are not suddenly cured because you now are pregnant. It doesn’t take away the stress, the longing, the anger, the resentment, how its impacted your mental health or your finances or the impact it had on relationships.

Why do I feel like an imposter?

You may feel like an imposter after getting pregnant. You have wanted to be in this group of pregnant people for so long and now that you are here it doesn’t feel right. You feel like you don’t fit in. Infertility has changed you and changed this narrative you have had about becoming a parent.

Why do I fell guilty?

You may even feel guilty after becoming pregnant. It is common to feel guilty about leaving behind those that are still struggling with infertility. This can be isolating and feel very lonely. If you are feeling like an imposter in the pregnancy group, but also no longer feel like you fit in the infertility groups it can be hard to feel supported.

I am pregnant so I can’t complain.

It is so common for women to feel like if pregnancy is hard or not what they expected that they are allowed to feel this way. You may be telling yourself well this is what I wanted so I can’t complain or you may also be hearing this from others or well you got pregnant what did you expect. Even if you have a very wanted pregnancy that you tried very hard to get, pregnancy is still hard, uncomfortable at times, and not what you expected. Your feelings are VALID!

I don’t feel attached to my pregnancy.

It is common after infertility or a loss to not feel attached right away. This is your protective part telling you this isn’t safe, we need to protect you. For most of you this will grow and develop naturally. If it doesn’t feel like you are slowly starting to develop or that it is feeling more and more real- therapy can help.

I am feeling anxious.

It is common to notice some anxiety or sadness about being pregnant. If you are noticing these frequently or noticing that they are increasing it is important to get help. If you are noticing intrusive thoughts, nightmares or flashbacks there is help.

To learn more about infertility counseling in Madison or anywhere in Wisconsin or to set up your free 15 minute consultation you can reach me here for a therapist Madison.